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29 августа 2022

These last couple of weeks have been hard even though it has been quieter here. If you don't like blow-by-blow don't bother reading this. It's just my own silly journal anyway. My husband's health seemed to be deteriorating a couple of weeks ago and he was needing to go on oxygen more and more during the day, not only at night. His time out of bed and on oxygen became shorter and shorter, with him finally going back to bed only an hour after getting up. His hearing became worse and worse until finally, he lost all hearing in his left ear. It took him a week to get an appointment with his Audiologist who finally said it was a profound sudden acute hearing loss and he may have had an ear stroke, and to get an appointment with an Ear, Nose, and Throat Specialist immediately and it was a slight possibility a Prednisone shot might help. He also said there was no wax in the ear causing this.
I looked up ear strokes on Google plus wanting to know how to spell the medication he is taking for the burning in his stomach and found out it is so harsh with terrible side effects that we both wondered if it could be causing the things he was experiencing going downhill, including and/or the possibility that maybe he has had another small stroke. Maybe he was even allergic to that medication. He came to the point of saying he was miserable physically. He stopped taking that medication and started getting better within a few days but his stomach burns without it. His health is very complicated. He also stopped half of his diuretic and that is what landed him in the hospital 3 months ago. Since he will not let me monitor his medication, he lives on a “physical health” roller-coaster. We messaged his Gastroenterologist for advice and a new medication for his burning stomach but he still hasn't gotten a reply. I helped him send a new message today.

His ENT doctor insisted on speaking to the Audiologist so it took several days to get in on an emergency basis. Come to find out the ear was impacted with wax so it was not a nerve problem as the Audiologist thought. I have become a taxi driver taking him to appointment after appointment, picking up other prescriptions, and taking him shopping. Thank you, Lord I can do it. The ENT ordered an MRI of his brain and a referral to a Neurologist. He doesn't realize how much he needs a caretaker and there is no other home in the world that would give him the personalized attention he needs. His kidney doctor last week said Radiology would only target his hearing centers on an MRI from an ENT, not his whole brain so I am going to have to contact his Primary doctor to revise the order for the MRI. Or maybe I will wait for an appointment with a Neurologist hoping I can learn more about what's happening to his brain. He is not exhibiting much in the way of symptoms of a stroke however he didn't even know about his last one. He was very erratic a month ago locking me out, pouring water on me, and saying it will get much worse, and to leave our home. After he took my name off of all our savings, both our daughter and I were wrong, thinking at least he was going to cover our household expenses. He paid our house and car insurance for 6 months then demanded I pay this month's household expenses. I have 2 small accounts and have just about exhausted one of them with August bills, and one more cycle will nearly wipe out the 2nd one after I get my only source of income, $470. a month from Social Security. He did compliment me twice. The first time he thanked me for helping him so much on the computer and telephone for appointments and saying I had always been there for him. Then driving to one of his doctor appointments he said he was so very fortunate to have me take him all over town to his many doctors. I can quickly count 7 different locations around this large city where I take him for his many doctor appointments with UCLA. They all say his health is “very” complicated.

I'm not ready to start a fight about our savings since I don't think it is safe. He is too erratic at this time. Adult Protective Services was here because we were reported, and said don't move out of the house unless he does something physical to me. I am still sleeping on the couch since he locked me out of our bedroom so obviously doesn't want me there. It's better than what I thought I would be doing since he was so adamant that he wants me out: living in my car. Of course, he is wrong when he says the house is his, after 61 years of marriage. But his health and mind are slipping, and I am still trying to take care of my 86-year-old disabled but still strong husband. It is quiet and sad here mostly as long as I do everything he asks. I have a key for the new bottom lock but not for the top deadbolt. He says he may lock me out. Plus he says if I do anything wrong he can pour water over me. I live day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Sometimes I can walk with less pain, but it's been 6 weeks that sciatica in my leg from my back problems has been screaming at me. Because of it, I cannot sleep on my side at all for that 6 weeks which was always the way I slept because of my back pain. Sleeping is a problem, but I am averaging more, maybe 5 to 6 hours whereas the tumultuous 2 weeks before that was about 3 to 4 hours. My husband calls to me “are you awake?” This week I am dehydrating mushrooms, broccoli, and figs. Last week I dehydrated 9 trays of figs. I am working on eliminating the clothing on the clothing rack in my hallway that has sewing projects on it. I sew some, have about 4 or more places to give some, and I even put 5 in the trash, although that was the toughest. Sewing has always been my hobby. I made all our drapes and did upholstery. My dining room drapes are terrible now but it just kills my back to work on them. This is day 130 with only 1 dessert and wine; and day 38 for no regular bread at home. I am finally losing weight but I think the depression I fight may have something to do with it. After 6 months I tried to give him a little hug, but he just pushed me away.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
57,2 кг	0 кг	2,7 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(9 комментарий) Потеряно 0,5 кг за Неделю

12 августа 2022

Today was the final day scheduled for Protective Services to come out and someone did show up. He said my case worker is sick so (as a social worker) they sent him to conduct the home interview. My husband was lying down in bed on oxygen so I asked the man if we could speak privately, so I could give him our history without my husband being there which I had been very apprehensive about, not wanting to inflame my husband's anger. As I explained the last 55 years he remarked that I should stop making excuses for my husband. I told him I can't, but it was gratifying that he was “hearing” me and accepting what I said about our life together. Then he said something about thinking about and doing for myself. I told him it is too late for me (at almost 81) to go out and make a new life for myself. I was very open and told him examples of what has gone on through the years and he said my husband needs to have a neurological evaluation but I told him I didn't think he would do it. This is beginning to sound like my negativity was coming out. I was just being honest, open, and frank. He said I didn't have to answer such a personal question but asked how much income I have: $500. a month. He advised me to not leave my home and to call the police if my husband does anything physical to me including pouring water on me or locking me out of the house. I took him around the house to see my mess because our daughter keeps saying I am abusing my husband with my hoarding mess just as much as he is abusing me. He said no that is not true. Downstairs is just emergency food storage, and he said this is “nothing”. Yeah. I also took him upstairs to see all the worst of what I have and wanted to ask him for his description of it but that fell to the wayside as he needed to leave. Still upstairs he asked me if he could speak to my husband privately. I heard him say to my husband “yes, that I had shown him all the rooms". After finishing he came downstairs and said he could not communicate with my husband. Then my husband called him back upstairs and showed him inside the attic. Leaving, I asked him “What about the money?” and he said my case worker would call me Monday or Tuesday.

As soon as the social worker left I asked my husband if the man explained what he advised me to do. I explained about me not leaving our home, and calling the police if there was anything physical, plus if he locks me out of the house. He said I could call the Fire Department too. He added he “may” lock me out, and if I do something wrong he can pour water on me. The thing accomplished today is me believing I am to stay put until or unless there is a change so I don't have to be thinking about where I am going to go. And because of the social worker's statements that in calling the police they won't do anything, I find myself for the first time in my life feeling willing to do it. Our daughter said if I ever did I would pay dearly for it (from my husband). I am against involving authority in this day and age but I think I am going to have to. That is very sad and I don't think our daughter would accept it or me. But since things are escalating already and he is threatening me, I'm slowly changing. I'm a slow learner and I've been dedicated to taking care of him for so many years and I've so wanted to finish my course with honor. But he is changing. Bottom line, I'll still sleep on the couch: since he locked me out of the bedroom I'm not comfortable going back to his bed. The positive is I don't have to stay up late to water the flowers and vegetable beds in the middle of the night. I don't have to rack my brain about where can I go stay or how can I set up my car for sleeping in, or how I can move boxes of food to our cabin in a car set up for camping. For today, just today the pressure of making plans is taken off of me. Of course any day he may and probably will do something that now I am willing to call the police about and I may need to run for safety. But I can believe I am supposed to trust in the Lord for protection for today and stop worrying about where to go. I can sleep on the couch and hope to get more than the 2 to 4 hours of sleep I have been getting. I can water and do laundry during the day and not worry about getting locked out. If I do, I will take the next step, which I believe is part of what has to happen in this saga of a deteriorating spouse (there are so many) and I can trust the Lord he will carry me through. For tonight, just for tonight, I am “home” in my heart. I'm sorry my husband and our daughter will not and can not understand. Some of you that have been praying, will understand. My peace today was hard won by you and your prayers, and I thank you for that. I'm sorry I am your weak retarded Christian sister, but I'm so glad that I am somebody's sister. Thank you, Lord.

(15 комментарий)

11 августа 2022

Today is day 111 with no desserts or wine + day 19 with no regular bread. I'm starting to lose a little faster but don't expect to lose a pound a week unless I get very depressed. Things have changed and gotten worse at my house since my last journal Aug 4th, last Thursday. I shared how my husband closed our checking and opened one in only his name. Commenters warned me so I called the Credit Union and found he had taken my name off of all the accounts. I told about it in the comment section after the journal that it was “too late”. Now he has done something else bad that shows he is escalating and will show his irrationality that will change our lives forever. If you don't like reading long “blow-by-blow” drama, don't bother reading this. Like some others, I believe the things that happen in our lives affect our eating, dieting, and health. I believe our “living together” is over after 61 years of marriage. I was so determined to take care of him “thick or thin” and finish my course with honor. With dementia, it can get bad but I didn't see this coming this fast. I am eternally grateful that it was him that started this and not me. I couldn't live with that. Yes, I stupidly told someone I thought was just a support group facilitator about him taking my name off of all our saving accounts but it was him that did the deed. I only wanted advice and resources. Now I fear for this “love of my life” and believe in the “best case scenario” he will end up in a retirement home in Arizona near our daughter, and in the worst case scenario either in jail or in a lockdown facility: drugged, tied down and going berserk where he will die. Well, he would die in jail too without close monitoring of his water levels and medication. He didn't do a BIG thing, but it is snowballing with his anger. First: that support group lady heard his anger at me while I was on the phone with her. Since she is more official than I knew, he just doesn't know the consequences. He is adamant now that I leave. He may change his mind but things are going negative so he will probably get more dangerous to me. Actually, even if he doesn't get more dangerous the authorities will think he might, and they want to protect others and be on the side of caution. He thinks the money and house are his and that I can go live somewhere else. If I'm not here to take care of him he will get angrier. I was thinking since he wants me to move, and I don't feel that way, I could move and let him live here. But he would have no car. Okay, probably he could rent or buy one. But who is going to take care of the house and him? I even saw myself coming in to cook and take him to the doctor etc. And actually, I would be willing. But apartments are expensive. I couldn't rent one in Los Angeles and live on ½ of our combined income even if I peed in the shower. Now I pee in a container and add 10 parts of water and fertilize the roses. He said I “should” take 2 showers a week because I use too much water. We have a small one-bedroom cabin in the mountains over 100 miles away, but it's a 2 to 4-hour drive depending on traffic and now gas is expensive. I can't live there in the winter because there is an underground spring that puts water and ice on our private road that isn't plowed by the county. I can't park or walk there in winter at my age and ability, and couldn't zip down to shop and cook dinner or drive him somewhere. But he doesn't need a large home. He doesn't buy groceries, cook, do laundry, dishes, dust, do toilets, etc. I'm the one that wants to cook, entertain, and grow vegetables. It's not logical for me to move all my stuff, then him not to be able to live on his own, and me to have to move everything back. More important, I don't think they will let him put me out. I'm 80 years old and have trouble walking with sciatica. He will get angrier eventually. He's gone too far in the eyes of the law but he does not understand that. Yes, I hoard clothes upstairs but not down. I hoard food downstairs for prepping for the future and emergencies. But you just can't mistreat people for that. If you don't like it, move, get a divorce. But he can't take care of himself. He says one of us will change. He says things are going to get a lot worse. Actually, I know in my heart that is true. I suppose he thinks either I or he will get rid of all my things and life can go back to him just being in control. But he locked me out and when I got in, he poured and threw 5 big glasses of water on me and our wood floors and put ice down my back. Then he said twice he wanted me out of his house. We've lived here 51 years. Now, the authorities know. They are coming by Friday. I'm slowly realizing that if I'm not living here and taking care of him, he is going to get angrier. Last year just because I tried to walk away when he was yelling at me he grabbed my clothes at my neck and threw me around. He could be very dangerous if I drive him somewhere, do laundry for him or cook. He's told me to get out of the car at 90 miles an hour. But if you think I can build a new life for myself, I don't have that ability anymore. I have deteriorated. No, I do not take good care of my house anymore. Both of his sisters had household help. One of them lived alone, the other only a husband that was a gourmet cook so did all the cooking and she did the dishes. But I will not be able to have any as long as he is here. Will they make me get rid of my clothes and food? Even if they do, he's getting more irrational. It can't go back. He can't undo what he's done. He's not going to take back his threats. Last year he said he would shoot me if I brought anything other than food into the house. The authorities want to err on the side of caution. If they tell him to leave the home he may get spicy with them. If they take him anywhere I think he will eventually fight them. I heard him say he doesn't care if he goes to jail, and said maybe he will leave his money to poor people. He actually thinks he's right and it's his responsibility to change me. He has been abusive for 55 years. I've only been collecting this stuff for about 15 years. Yes, my stuff makes him uncomfortable but isn't responsible for the abuse for the previous 40 years. He is charming. I'm sure he will be very charming to the person coming. I can't imagine what they will do or say. But I finally think he is getting more irrational. I'm sorry to be so repetitive, I'm in overdrive. He says he wants me to leave. I believe he doesn't mean it but is using it as a wedge to get me to get rid of all my extra stuff. But even if I did he wouldn't be happy with me. He doesn't like the way I think. He doesn't like the way I look. He watches porn and told me when I weighed 118 that I was fat. At 113 he said I was letting myself go. See our picture March 7, 2020, on page 7. That picture is probably 6 or 7 years old now. Now I look like I have aged 20 years. He looks very friendly, doesn't he? Now he asks why my stomach is so big. It's because I'm 80 and overweight. And if I lose weight I will get more wrinkled. I already look like I need to be ironed. I was never good enough for him. You just don't know what's in people's lives. I've written so much prolog I can't add the blow by blow I wrote. I may or may not add it later. Once the authorities come things may change drastically. I haven't been out of the house since Monday, not even into the garage or back yard when he's awake because I have no way to get back in. Last night when he was asleep I carried a few clothes to a neighbor in case he throws me out bodily. But if that happens I won't have my purse, medication, computer, telephone, or maybe even shoes. We are both going to be devastated by what's coming. If I have to move all my clothes it's going to take me time, I can barely walk. Sewing has been my hobby for 60 years. I made all our curtains and drapes plus reupholstered some of my furniture. And I mean very, very fancy curtains and drapes. In 1994 Pennys estimated them at over $26,000.00 and that did not include all the hand finishing. Not $2,600. That was not a mistake. I need and regularly wear at least part of the year sizes 2 to 12. Call me Yo-Yo. I'm in shock. Part of me is dying.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
58,3 кг	0 кг	3,9 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(19 комментарий) Потеряно 0,5 кг за Неделю

04 августа 2022

I consider it a victory that I made a pasta dish for my husband last night but didn't have any only eating salad, meat, and fruit. Since I am in so much pain with sciatica down my leg I can't exercise either walking or jumping on my little rebounder, so weight loss is very, very slow. This is day 13 of having no regular bread, and day 105 with no desserts or wine.

In response to a comment to my last journal of my husband closing our joint checking account that I pay the bills with, and opening one in only his name, he may or may not have the ability to pay the bills in a timely manner but previously a couple wound up in the trash, and English being a second language for him (from Italy) he hates trying to spell numbers. When his new checks came, I just asked him if I could write out ones for the house and car insurance that were immediately due, and he signed them. This situation really snuck up on me and it gets worse. On Friday, July 22 we celebrated our 61st Anniversary and he told me he loves me. There were no particular fights over the weekend but on Monday morning, he went to the Credit Union and not only took me off our checking account and canceled our Credit Union credit card but the next day when he told me about it he said he does not trust me and that he wants his money for himself. As I said in my last journal I asked him if he took my name off our savings and he said he couldn't remember (in one day?). He does have memory loss but is not diagnosed with dementia. Is he getting worse and developing paranoia? Many do. Or is this just a continuation of his narcissistic tendencies? I don't know but have known with his memory loss, things may get worse. I have been absolutely devoted to staying to take care of him since I don't believe he could live on his own and we only have one car. I would not buy one for him because he is dizzy a great deal of the time, and he goes through stop signs and sometimes red lights. Him going into some type of home is not an option, would you? When our daughter came Friday to visit she told me he said he put her on as beneficiary. Incredible! I do plan on calling the Credit Union and asking about our savings. I see it is the Lord that is protecting me and not my husband. It's been a year since he threw me around and threatened to shoot me but I've had a very bad week with intense physical and emotional pain. I am not looking to get out and just leave an 86-year-old disabled husband on his own but I sure throw myself on the mercy of the Lord.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
58,9 кг	0 кг	4,4 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(16 комментарий) Потеряно 0,3 кг за Неделю

30 июля 2022

This is day 100 of giving up wine and sweets except for 1 glass of wine on our anniversary; and day 8 of no regular bread. Our daughter and husband are here from Arizona for a couple of days on their way to go camping at the beach with her 2 cousins and their families. Since her freezer door got left open she brought a tortilla dish for dinner and of course I ate it. Whenever I dieted and went to someone's house for dinner I always ate whatever they served even if it was something I wasn't eating at home. It's easy to decline alcohol and limit your bread intake but it's kinder to not mention that you aren't eating thus and so. It's really hard on me emotionally when she visits because she is so critical of me. Two days before she came I shared with her that Monday my husband closed our checking account that I paid all the bills on, and opened one in only his name. The next day I asked him if he also took my name off of our savings or IRA and he said he couldn't remember. He also canceled my credit card at the Credit Union. I do have another one since I have Social Security checks of around $500. a month. She started in on me that I have so many clothes, plus food for prepping that he is relegated to just his tiny TV room in our 2,2000 sf house. It doesn't count that he comes into the living room and takes over my TV when I am watching a movie to just check out the channels and see what the difference is between his TV and mine. I know he doesn't like "stuff" around, and yes it is way too much for him since he would want things to look like an army locker but I think all that I do for him should make up for something. She hinted that my "stuff" constituted abuse and that he takes care of me. I said he sure doesn't take care of me emotionally since he is so rude, demanding, and even cruel threatening to beat me and more. By the end of the call, I was crying and told her I love her and I'm so so sorry I have been a failure as a wife and mother. She didn't answer that. The next day I was resisting Satan all day because it was the first time in many years since I was tempted to leave our home putting my clothes and extra food in storage or committing suicide. For $500. a month of Social Security I couldn't rent an apartment but I might be able to rent part of my girlfriend's garage for storage. I would need to stay close by to take care of food etc. for him because we only have 1 car. With his memory loss he probably couldn't order food delivery. Paying someone else to take care of him is not an option. Neither is him going into a "home", he wouldn't stay and we couldn't afford it anyway. He's not that bad off. So I guess I wouldn't leave. If I died our daughter would sell our house and take him to Arizona. I asked him if he would like to change rooms and have the large living room to watch TV and I would take the little room. He said no, that he loves his little den plus he has one of the bedrooms upstairs as his computer room plus he loves his garage with all his tools and table saw. She must think he can't "use" our bedroom because I have clothes on 1 chair and the desk. I was in so much pain from my back and leg sciatica by last night before they came (from moving dirt and mulch Tues, Wed., and Thurs.) and cleaning for their visit that I cried often yesterday and called a friend for prayer. When I sit down I can't walk right away from the pain in my leg. Thank the Lord that my daughter didn't say anything about the house last night so it was pleasant, but I know I'll get repercussions later. They are going out today with his cousin and going to his best friends Sunday. She wants to see the best friend's girlfriend because she already misses her since the 2 of them just got back about 3 weeks ago from going to Hawaii together for 10 days. My son-in-law's friend owns a house on the beach in Maui and paid for both their flights and 6 zip linings. I'm glad for her that she got that chance for great fun with a great friend.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
59,1 кг	0 кг	4,6 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(4 комментарий) Потеряно 1,0 кг за Неделю

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