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20 января 2023

Please pray for me, I am so miserable tonight. Tomorrow, Saturday is the day of the Memorial Luncheon for our daughter. It's at a Chinese Restaurant so that takes most of the pressure off me but I'm still miserable. Tonight I bought 2 big cheesecakes at Costco, fresh blueberries for on top, and 3 orchids for the tables. I was shopping for 3 hours this afternoon for my friend and for us. Yesterday and part of today I was going through old pictures to find ones (of our daughter) to take tomorrow. What a trip down memory lane! It hurts, I hurt, and I can't even think straight about what I will say at the Memorial. I do have a pastor speaking, the same one as for our son's funeral. We are so old and isolated that there will only be 19 of us. There were 160 at our son's funeral. I don't want to go, I don't want to face it. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my face, and even my teeth hurt. I've been living on 4 hours of sleep a night. I haven't even picked out what I am going to wear. And I have one more store to go to in the morning for my sick friend. I'm binging again and have had so much food and sugar my stomach is yucky upset. I want to turn off the pain. Our son-in-law, all his friends, neighbors, and relatives are not even coming. If it weren't for the Lord carrying me I couldn't go on. Thank you, Lord. And thank You for all the comforts I have: food to eat, a warm dry place to sleep, a car to drive, and a comfortable house to live in. And I can still walk, even though it hurts with sciatica. Please comfort me, Lord, and thank you for loving us. Thank you that you see my pain. Thank you that you see and know that all these FS folks and I are here at this time in history when things may get very rough in the next several years. Thank you for giving us Jesus so we can be reconciled to you. Give us peace and courage. Help all these FS folks and me to sleep tonight. Bring your will into my life, and help me to accept it.

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12 января 2023

Giving up sweets didn't last very long, only 10 days. On Monday I finally mailed invitations for a Memorial Luncheon for our daughter, but hand delivered 3 to my closest neighbors. On the third delivery, I started crying because of her hurt too, since their college son died 6 months ago. She knew exactly how I feel. I don't even want to have this luncheon because I would rather pretend our beautiful daughter hasn't died. Coming home and starting dinner, I had more wine than I should. I didn't get drunk just a little inebriated which let down my guard, so after dinner, I ate about 3 pieces of See's candy my husband had gotten for Christmas. Today I will start over, but I might eat desserts on the 21st at the luncheon. I'm hoping to take 3 desserts from Costco, which is unnecessary at a big Chinese meal but would look special. I need to go to the restaurant and speak to them about exactly what I want to preorder for lunch. Shrimp in Lobster Sauce, Beef Broccoli, and Chicken in Tangerine Sauce will be the meat dishes, then I'm choosing to have half as many (in volume) vegetable dishes served for one or two vegetarians, Mixed vegetables plus Eggplant in Szechuan Sauce. The first three dishes are so good, I doubt people will eat many vegetables. There will be two choices of soup, either Egg Drop, or Hot and Sour plus egg rolls. They haven't been offering Chinese Chicken Salad since the beginning of Covid but I'm going to ask about it. Also, I want to ask how much it would cost to have cloth tablecloths and napkins. I would pay $1.00 per person more but not $2.00. They only serve tea, not coffee, so I'm thinking about taking my 50 cup pot. My husband says no, but I think it would be nice since we will be hanging around sharing. I plan to share several funny stories like when she fell in the paint. The same pastor that spoke at our son's funeral in 1987 will be speaking at this small luncheon. For our son, it was a funeral at Forest Lawn and 40 guys came from Teen Challenge to sing, and then various ones shared about our son between songs. There were 160 people there then they came to our home for a buffet. We just set up the buffet in the living room on long tables, opened all the doors, and let them file through. We have a long retaining wall around our backyard about two and a half feet tall. I just folded towels the long way and put them on top so people could sit on this short wall, plus we set up several tables on the patio. We had plenty of food. Now we are old and pretty isolated so there aren't many to ask. Our son-in-law isn't even coming from Arizona so even his friends and relatives won't be coming. They were only away from this area for four years. He doesn't even want me to invite their neighbors when they lived here. Very sad. He says he can't handle a memorial yet. He cries half the day.

There will be no video of our daughter, her husband has all the pictures of her the last 32 years. I will just take the pictures I have of her in their pretty frames and put them on the extra tables in the banquet room. I don't even want to make a “board” of them. I have the two wreaths with black bows and streamers from my front doors, and I will buy two orchid plants at Trader Joe's to put on the dessert table. The round tables we eat at will have large turning “Lazy Susan” to serve people from. It would have been impossible to have the luncheon at our home. It was already messy, now with the flood in the garage over Christmas it's an even bigger mess. And I'm a mess too. Thank you, Lord, you are carrying me. I couldn't do this without Him.

Living in Los Angeles on a gentle hill it's a good thing we have a drain next to the patio, with these rains we've been having. Of course, it hasn't been anything like Central or Northern California. But we still had flooded homes and cars in Studio City, a large sinkhole in Chatsworth that swallowed two vehicles, collapsing hillsides along Mulholland Drive, and downed trees and power lines in many other areas. There were pictures of our Central Train Station flooded and the office I was headed to in North Hollywood Monday was flooded.

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01 января 2023

It's been two months since our daughter died. It seems like two weeks. It brought back about our son being killed by a drunk driver when he was 21, but most of me can't even believe she is gone. I've binged and gained about 9 lbs even though I've mostly kept up intermittent fasting. It's not very important except for health, so since New Year's day is such a big day of new beginnings I'm trying again to cut out all sweets. Several times in that two months I've made starts but only kept it up a couple of days or so. The five months before she died I only had 1 dessert and 1 glass of wine, severely restricted high carbs, and lost 20 lbs. I am not in the place mentally to be gung-ho about anything so am not doing anything about high carbs at the moment and haven't decided about wine yet. I really need to be kind to myself at this time. Having a bite of sweets does not work for me and never did. If I have a little I want three desserts. I had See's chocolate candy for the first time in two years, this week at my friend's who had 3 lbs sitting there on the couch next to me and had coupons for 2 lbs more. I ate about 15 pieces. Two years ago I finished off 1 lb of it in about a day and a half. Sweets negatively affect our brains, being the leading cause of promoting dementia. I thank you all for your wonderful support of me. There have been several questions for me in my comments section and private messages. I suspect I am doing very well most of the time, under my circumstances, but must admit to living on an emotional roller-coaster some of the time, vacillating between being numb and hurting emotionally and physically. My painful leg and hip from Sciatica from my bad back have been a continuous problem this time for 6 months now, so I don't even think it will be getting better. My house is messy and I haven't finished my taxes. My husband threw papers away I needed. My husband let me cry on his shoulder as I did after our son died and I don't think grief separated us any. It is very quiet here when he isn't mad at me, as I don't fawn over him like I use to: sitting on his lap, stroking his face and trying to cajole him, explaining things to him, and working hard at pleasing him. We don't talk much, but I'm trying to be kind. It reminds me of what happens when you have teenagers and they become so obnoxious you don't mind so much when they move away. Maybe one reason God is allowing me to experience the things in my life is to be able to let my husband go emotionally. Also, I need to learn to control myself better. My husband would prefer a minimalist household.To even talk about how I am, I have the need to recap the last nearly two years. If you aren't interested in unpleasant details stop reading now. I am almost totally involved in grieving and the problems in my marriage. Even though my husband was abusive most of our marriage I took it very hard when my sister died and my nephew and daughter were mad at me during the time of disposing of my sister's household, that my husband threw me around for simply trying to walk away from him, and I said I was finally afraid of him. Those things went together to be life-changing for me. Since that time I've learned a lot about narcissism and the complete control over me that my husband demands. Even now, I watch very little television but watch YouTube videos to learn and must confess: escape. He was diagnosed with Metastatic Melanoma on top of his congestive heart failure, COPD, kidney disease, plus other problems. He uses oxygen with his c-pap at night and some during the day. We all thought cancer would take him out but it has actually shrunk and is in remission. He had pneumonia twice in 2022. He has been close to death many times and after so many years (now 61) of marriage, it is too late for me to start over or make a new life for myself. He still picks weeds, drives occasionally, and just installed a new water heater by himself, but his memory loss and dizziness, etc. indicate he couldn't live alone. There's no way he's ready for some kind of “home” and we do not qualify for Medicaid anyway. I've spent a lifetime taking care of him and don't even have the ability to change now. My desire is to finish my course with honor, plus maybe 20% of impetus, I'd like to keep our home of 52 years. With my bad back, there is no way I could easily move my entire household plus 2 attics full. I stand up with great difficulty after sitting or laying down but after walking for a minute or two it loosens up so I can get around, but not walk for exercise. The broken water heater last week flooded the garage and everything in it. He was so angry there was so much in the way of him getting to the water heater cupboard he flung glass jars of different sauces off a cabinet with his arm breaking the jars onto many things on the wet cement floor covering many things with the various sauces. Later he flooded it again because he took the plug out of the emergency overflow. It hurts my back to pick up wet things so it's taken me all week and my kitchen counters, kitchen, and dining tables are covered with things I dried from the garage. I cook, do dishes and laundry, shop for groceries, do floors and light cleaning, and write out the household and cabin checks for him to sign. I go to the chiropractor and stay away as long as possible, eating lunch at In-N-Out Burger and sit in the sunshine. My house is getting worse. Occasionally he goes on a tirade and throws stuff all over. Because of the water heater going out, he turned the gas off outside. Thinking he had to relight the pilot on the furnace in the attic he turned the gas off there like we did on the water heater. Then it wouldn't work for several days until a repairman came out. My husband wanted to make room for him in the attic to work on the furnace so he threw a lot of stuff out of the attic. He denies turning the gas off at the furnace to relight the pilot (it doesn't have a pilot) so he was angry at me but I never touched the furnace. It's been quiet here for 3 days but the mess in the house from the garage will “come home to roost” soon. I am able to shower now but remember, I “should” take 2 showers a week, since I use too much water.

It's been 5 months since my husband took all our savings/checking, locked me out of the house, poured 2 quarts of water over my head and the wood floors, said “things will get a lot worse” and “he would appreciate me leaving”, then locked me out of the bedroom. He now says he did not want me to move out but that sure sounded like it to me. Maybe he has forgotten his words, but also he said he knew I wouldn't move. I seriously considered moving into my car since he seemed so badly to want me out, but he doesn't have a car so I thought I would need to remain near to take him to his many doctor appointments and get food for him. Maybe that would have worked but I got scared (in Los Angeles) and my $470. a month of Social Security wouldn't go very far. Since he already throws my “stuff” into the trash I believe if I was gone more than a night he would dispose of many things. I couldn't put him out since he can't “make it” on his own. Adult Protective Services said for me not to move out, but to call the police if he locked me out again or did something to me physically. I've changed my mind about moving, calling the police, or helping him if there is a big blow-up. I do not want any court action or a restraining order. It would take a court order to get a portion of the money back and I do not want to precipitate a big confrontation with him. Learning about narcissistic abuse escalating I now believe if one of us had to leave, it wouldn't be safe to be around him. Even our daughter told me 10 years ago if I ever called the police on him, I would pay dearly for it. If he can't “save face” after making the decision to take all the money I believe he would start a divorce which is what he told my nephews. Last year he told me he would shoot me if I brought anything other than groceries into the house. There is no money to buy him out of half of the house. Number 1, probably the court would make us sell the house to divide it, so I would lose my home. Number 2, he was talking about suicide two years ago, wrote notes to our daughter, his nephew, and me and left money for our daughter, and asked his primary physician at UCLA for a suicide pill. He was not sick or in pain at the time but just doesn't want to bother with life, especially if he can't have sex every day now at 86 years old. His brother committed suicide. If he were alone in an apartment I believe, he would kill me and commit suicide. The “most” dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves. He can't control her and he has nothing more to lose. If my husband were made to leave the house, I believe I would not be safe here. He wouldn't care about a restraining order and says he doesn't care if he goes to jail, and I believe him. I am still sleeping on the couch after 5 months mainly because he does not wear his chin strap for his C-pap so his mouth is open when asleep and he is very noisy. He doesn't get mad at me “every” day but most. A month ago, when he changed the ink cartridge on the printer while it still had ink in it, I told him I was sorry to hear he changed it since I was still using it, and it was working. He was standing behind me as I sat on the couch, and he slapped me hard on the back of my head. It still hurt after 10 minutes. That is the first actual physical incident in a year and a half, but he recently slapped the air hard back and forth repeatedly about an inch from my nose in threat of slapping me across the face. He continuously threatens me so if I can manage to stay here, protect my home which I believe he is capable of burning down, protect my safety, and be in as much peace as possible I need to do everything he asks and keep my mouth completely shut. I do blow it sometimes by answering back so I constantly tell myself to be a “gray rock”. About a month ago I would have been suicidal, but I wasn't because of the Lord in my life. My resolve to stay here was weaker because of grief. A couple of weeks ago I called Jewish Family Services even though I am not Jewish hoping to get into an abuse support group. Also, they do have a shelter in case that becomes necessary. There was a 3-hour intake conference and at the end, she said, “It sounds like you are willing to sacrifice yourself for your husband” and I said yes realizing it is true. I don't believe there is any halfway with him anymore. If I leave, it will have to be “no contact” for the rest of my life. I would even need protection to move my life's possessions from my home of 52 years, and how would I do that with my bad back? Talk about tearing up my life. I'm 81 and can barely walk. I don't want an apartment, I don't want a nursing home: there is little left for me. I hurt most of the time, so who cares that I give what little I have left to the love of my life? I pray for him and just hope I can stick with it. I was planning a small memorial for our daughter on January 7th but our son-in-law doesn't want to come, which then automatically eliminates his relatives and friends. I can't do it. I postponed it to the 21st but with Covid exploding here in Los Angeles, I don't even think it will take place. I don't even care. But I had a captive audience to tell them if they want to go to Heaven how it can be done. So I am financially dependent on him now, but he is signing the household checks and the credit card bill for groceries, etc. Thank you, Lord. I still have my $470. a month Social Security so as long as I keep my mouth shut completely and stay here I am physically comfortable and not hurting financially. I'm grateful since that's better than most of the world. He did agree to put me as the beneficiary on the accounts that are now in his name only. Contrary to the thinking of some, I will not be any happier when he is gone. He has been the love of my life, and we had many good times. The Lord is carrying me. It is mostly quiet now, and lonely. I have a picture of a cow upside down with her feet sticking straight up and the caption says “I'm fine.” I relate.

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(28 комментарий) Набралось 0,4 кг за Неделю

05 декабря 2022

In the month since our daughter died, I've been binging and gained about 8 lbs. Even though I'm still intermittent fasting for about 16 hours daily, I haven't even weighed for several days. Yes, I've wanted to write to you beautiful people here that have supported me, I'm so down about our daughter, and my 86-year-old husband that gets mad at me all the time and even threatens me physically from time to time. He is not assaulting me but since he took all our money, locked me out of our home, poured 5 glasses of water on me, and asked me to move out of the home we've lived in for 52 years, sometimes I feel worn down. I keep remembering last year when he grabbed me by my clothes around my neck and threw me around, the letter I received by private message from one of our FatSecret members. I see her giving support to other members and is on here a lot, but even though I was 79 years old at the time she didn't cut me much slack about me trying to take care of my disabled husband since we don't qualify for Medicaid and he is pretty robust and still drives and does yard work. I'm in worse shape now with my grief, bad back, and painful sciatica. This is my choice to try to finish my course with honor. I'm much more beaten up emotionally now and still sleeping on the couch after 5 months since he also locked me out of the bedroom. I don't want a court fight, nor do I want to abandon him. It is and was then too late for me to make a new life for myself. I'm going to put her letter of March 7th 2021 here that she "FS Private Messaged" to me. How can I complain with her letter still ringing in my ears? Sometimes we don't know how much we can hurt another with our words. Thank you Lord, that You are carrying me. And I pray for this FS gal that sent this to me and hope she doesn't have tragedy in her life.

"Snowwhite: FS is probably not the best place for writing abuse journals. It isn't clear if you are reaching out for help or if you're just whining (again). That's harsh, but the only other possible conclusion is that you yourself are severely mentally ill and that you actually get your jollies from getting abused and then getting cooing attention back from others. Healthy people have boundaries and leave spouses who hate them and that are actively trying to drive them out. They reach out to others not for pity but for strategies and tips on how to divorce and protect yourself and your assets. You appear not to be trying to fix your problem, but rather to wallow in it. And that can annoy and disgust other people here, who are trying to support others who actually want help fixing their problems (like overeating)."

"It is just my opinion here that you are using the bible and your religion as an excuse not to leave. Perhaps you are riding it out until he finally dies, or perhaps you would rather live with an asshole who despises you than live alone or with a family member or a good friend. One thing is for sure: he wants his house to himself, and is probably wondering how far he will have to take the abuse for you to finally get the f*ck out. Divorce would have him paying you alimony, his pension, half his retirement, etc., and you would definitely be the winner on that front. So if you are willing to risk being killed or sent to the ER, by all means stay with him, since both of those options will also enable him to get rid of you. Otherwise, the next time he's hospitalized, move all your stuff out of the house, empty your joint bank accounts and get an attorney. Either way, you'll need to find a better website than FS to get help (or endlessly complain)."

Less than 5 hours later she sent me a second message with more of the same but including a different website I should use to complain. Of course, I will not reveal her identity, but just ask that you pray for her (and me) too.

(21 комментарий)

05 ноября 2022

My last journal was a week ago yesterday: Friday, October 28th, and my husband and I were packed and ready to go see our daughter in Arizona. We got permission to go the next morning and our beautiful daughter died 7 hours after we got there. If you're not interested in details, don't bother reading further. On the Friday before, she had a liver scan and on Monday a brain scan, and a needle biopsy. Wednesday the doctor told them yes, the liver cancer was from the breast and no the brain was not involved but she was in Acute Liver Failure all of a sudden. The next day Thursday they went to her chiropractor and the grocery store for her to show her husband where things are located in the store and compare it to her master shopping list. It was that night she developed more pain than she could handle and they brought in Hospice the next day: Friday the 28th when I wrote my last journal. They told us to wait, then weren't settled with Hospice till after 8 pm and it was too late to be taking off for Arizona during the night to arrive with all my husband's oxygen and c-Pap equipment during the night and waking them up and unloading everything. The next morning Saturday the 29th when I called he was crying at all the stress and sharing how the first medication oxycodone hadn't been enough for her pain and they had to switch to a 12-hour pill that was stronger. I heard our daughter say in the background maybe we could come Sunday or Monday. Even so, he said to come, and that was the first that we had permission to go visit. I was trying to respect her wishes. We didn't leave as early as I wanted since my husband had to load all his breathing equipment. Plus we wanted to stop at our cabin on the way home since we hadn't even been up there to turn the water on because of my husband's hospitalization in May and nearly going in again with starting pneumonia on October 4th. Two days later his lungs were still crackling. His lungs and heart are not strong enough to pump out any excess water. When we finally took off and drove some miles, he couldn't remember what he did with the cabin keys. We stopped and searched the car and drove all the way back home. He searched the house and not finding them we retraced our driving route to the post office to set up vacation hold, etc. thinking maybe he put them on top of the trunk and they had slid off in driving. We didn't get there till 7 pm.

Their Hospice nurse lived just around the corner so was there to help with setting up Hospice, and the medication the day before (Friday), then Saturday morning at about 8 am when she had a hard time getting the pill down. Our daughter was breathing heavily and sighing or moaning with each breath. An hour after we got there it was the time (8 pm) for her 12-hour pill but her husband couldn't wake her enough to be able to give her anything by mouth, especially with water. He did shake her enough so she opened her eyes and looked toward my husband and me. He called the Hospice nurse who said to wait a couple of hours. So we did, but she was still the same so we called back and the nurse said to give her the half dropper of Morphine in the side of her cheek since she was moaning with each breath. The Morphine could be given every 3 to 4 hours. My husband had gone to bed by 10 pm. I stroked her hair and held her hands for a couple of hours then laid down about 1 am and maybe slept an hour before her husband woke me distressed that he had given her more Morphine about 2 am but her head was leaning to the side and he thought she drooled the liquid out. She was moaning louder with each heavy breath so we called the Hospice nurse and let her listen to her over the phone. She said she would be right over. It was about a half hour when I noticed she wasn't moaning then quickly realized her heavy breaths were taking longer, then longer still, each farther apart just like when I watched my father die. I don't think her husband really believed me at first but guess I convinced him by looking at her neck and showing him how long it was taking between breaths. I ran into my husband and pulled his covers back and said if he wanted to say goodbye it was right now because she was stopping breathing. He ran back with me and searched for a heartbeat saying she was still breathing fast but faint or shallow. Right then the doorbell rang by the Hospice nurse. She came in and searched for a heartbeat with her stethoscope and said she was gone. It was only 7 hours after we got there. She was in Hospice for only one full day. It was only 2 ½ weeks since we learned that her undetectable breast cancer had spread to her liver and only 3 days after they were told it had gone so far and even then she said she was going to fight it. She hadn't taken any pain medication until the day before she died although her husband said the whole last month was miserable. I had heard her in the background speaking to her husband that very morning. It was the first day we had received permission (from her husband) to go visit them, and she had wanted us to go a day or two later. They were not prepared and her husband is inconsolable. I thank all of you for your prayers and support. After 3 days (Tuesday) my husband insisted we come home even though it was very hard for me to leave her husband alone, but this way his family and friends will help him. The Lord carried me and is still carrying me. I'm letting down from the shock of it all.

(40 комментарий)

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