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28 октября 2022

Today is my 81st Birthday. I met my weight goal. None of it matters at the moment. The day before yesterday at our daughter's doctor's appointment he told her she is in "Acute Liver Failure". It was only a week ago she was saying she needed to walk more to build up her muscles and Sunday they were at Lowes to return a faucet. She was using the wheelchair brought over by a friend. A week and a half ago she was too weak to walk to the bathroom by herself. My husband and I have known about her cancer spreading to the liver for 2 weeks. She has known for 5 to 6 weeks. It was only last week the doctor told her the liver wasn't as bad as he thought it might be. For 2 weeks she has been saying she was so bloated she looked 8 months pregnant. She has lost so much weight she is down to a size 0 so it wouldn't take much especially if she was exaggerating, because her husband said nooooo. But she said she was up 5 lb from water. My husband would not tell me he was willing to go to see his dying daughter. He wanted her to come here. She is in no shape to do that. Our extra bedroom is a storage room, and for 2 years when they came they brought their trailer. At the doctor's office 2 days ago he said she could go have the water taken off her abdomen in 2 days and did not mention Hospice. She said she couldn't take it anymore and when they left there they went to the hospital emergency and they took THREE LITERS of water off her abdomen! My little skinny darling daughter. The nurse there asked her about Hospice and offered her Morphine. It was only Sunday she told me she was jaundiced which is the same as Bilirubin and said it was doubling every week. Sunday it was 12 and 2 days later it was 18. That means it is going up an average of 3 points a day. I looked on Google and it says in liver failure you get brain damage from the toxins at 20 to 25 points. That sounds like 2 more days for her. She told the doctor she is still going to fight. Most people that have Acute Liver Failure are not only in the hospital they are in Intensive Care. The Acute form comes on in hours, days, or weeks. I think hers came on within 2 days. I told her 2 days ago I am packed and ready to go to her (Arizona), but she hasn't wanted us. Today when I called her husband answered and was crying that they had a terrible night, she can't stand the pain, and he is falling apart, etc. He has been taking wonderful care of her but she couldn't sleep much so he is exhausted and then they were both up all night last night. They called the doctor this morning and at noon were waiting for Hospice to come. I asked if we could come and help in any way or just hold her hand. They have extra bedrooms. I could hear her in the background so her brain isn't gone yet. I told him I "want" to go there and be with her and help. They said they would call after Hospice was there. By 1 pm my husband said he would not go today and would physically stop me if I tried to go by myself. Since he is now abusive I believe him and know if I snuck out it might be terrible when I returned. Besides how can I leave a disabled husband alone without a car and no food. Plus he already wants to throw all my belongings away, I might come home to an empty house or a house burned down. By 3 pm I said I agree, and would he "please" go with me when I go. He has oxygen equipment: a big oxygen concentrator, a small portable one, C-Pap equipment, etc., and it would be bad trying to go in the middle of the night. Right now it is almost 6 pm and they haven't called back. Maybe Hospice takes longer to come out with a same-day desperate call. I don't know how much they do. The pain medication her husband mentioned would not even touch her pain in my opinion. Our darling daughter is dying. My husband is now packed are ready to go to his daughter. Our son was killed by a drunk driver when he was 21. You don't expect to bury your children. I took care of my mother for 7 months when she was dying of cancer and it took me a year to recoup. I was only 28 and not suffering from a very bad back. My 86-year-old husband almost went into the hospital two weeks ago. His heart and lungs aren't strong enough to pump out excess water. He tells me over there I will have 3 people to take care of. I can barely take care of myself. But we will be ready to leave in the morning if they will let us. Her husband said he can't handle anymore so probably he will talk her into it. If not by the time they let us come she may be in a coma or gone. The Lord is carrying me. It's nice my husband is finally willing to go say goodbye to his own daughter.

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53,8 кг	0,1 кг	0 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(31 комментарий) Потеряно 0,5 кг за Неделю

14 октября 2022

I am heartbroken. A few of you know our daughter has stage 4 breast cancer that has spread to her bones. She has been on oral chemo for almost 6 years and although chemo is difficult, makes her sick in uncomfortable ways and she has some pain, most of them worked for a year or two then they would change them. The one before the present one didn't seem to work. Now they find her cancer has spread to her liver. Devastating. They tried to up her chemo and she got even sicker. She is down to 106 and can't eat much at all. Unfortunately, she did something to her neck and she wound up in Emergency for hours and hours with an excruciating neck and headache that is still coming on twice a day. She is in a world of hurt and says her husband is taking it worse than she is. She doesn't live in my state but says her husband is being wonderful. His birthday is tomorrow but I didn't get his card and gift mailed, shame on me. I'm off to the Post Office. It's taken me 11 days to return to this weight again. Knowing me it probably will be back up tomorrow. My body doesn't want to go down unless I starve which I'm not willing to do. Our hearts are muscles and I have so little muscle left.

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54,8 кг	0 кг	0,4 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(15 комментарий) Потеряно 0,3 кг за Неделю

12 октября 2022

It's been 42 days since I have reported and I did lose 3 lbs in that time but my goodness that's slow. I have to eat very little to lose since I can hardly walk or exercise. It's been 2 ½ months since I've been struggling with this severe sciatica pain in my leg from my bad back. It just doesn't want to hold me and in fact it did give out on me coming down the stairs and if I hadn't been holding on tight I would have taken a flying leap to the bottom. I have to go up and down with my other foot leading one step at a time and sometimes I come down sideways holding on with both hands. My husband has some trouble walking also and his office and computer are upstairs and when he yells to me to come up to help him with the computer, how to spell a word, or even to help him with his TV from his TV room, etc. he gets so frustrated that he can't hear me answer and it takes me so long to get up and start walking that by the time I get to the bottom of the stairs, or to his TV room he is fuming mad/furious. I don't think his legs are as painful as mine (not sciatica) since he will go for a walk to the end of the block 2 or 3 times but he is so used to me running to cater to him, he doesn't seem able to change or doesn't want to change or forgets. Frankly, I dare not “completely” cater to him or it would be so dangerous I couldn't live here and our marriage would be over. With a restraining order, we couldn't see each other, and if I have to leave he will throw my things away. He can't live on his own. Even walking away from him proved very dangerous in the past. Yes, I am living on pins and needles, and I have no idea from day to day what is coming, but of course, it will change eventually. He is not ready for a home of some type and we don't qualify for Medi-Caid anyway. It has been that same 2 ½ months of sciatica that I have been sleeping on the couch because he locked me out of the bedroom (and the house) and poured 5 glasses of water on me and our wood floors, and said it is going to get a lot worse. He also said he could cut off my legs and logically I know that's remote but it still sticks in my mind. Since he closed our joint accounts and put everything in his name only I'm charging most things. I paid August's bills as he demanded and he paid September. Although he said I would have to pay every other month he has paid a couple of bills recently. He had said my social security check of $470. a month was the same as his retirement pension but for now, he seems to understand a hundred is not the same as a thousand and is willing to sign his checks for household bills. Even on the couch, I am glad to have a warm, dry place to sleep, unlike many people in this world, and I have some cash to pay the guy that cuts the grass. He is being nicer most of the time but still threatens me. If you had a disabled child you would do what you could to take care of them. I have an 86-year-old disabled husband with many physical problems and memory loss. He almost went into the hospital again Wednesday morning and by Friday the doctor said he still had crackles in his lungs. He won't let me monitor his medication and he wasn't taking enough diuretic to get rid of excess water. He was playing loosy-goosey with it and his lungs and heart aren't strong enough to pump the water out. I live day to day doing what I can. At 80 I can't make a new life for myself away from here. We have been married for 61 years and lived in this comfortable house for 51 years. My computer that I do taxes on had a nervous breakdown or fried and it's at the shop for them to copy the hard drive for me. I'm going through papers looking for the Turbo Tax original disk for 2020 and in the process throwing out 90% of the papers I go through. For the last few weeks, I have been sewing because he threw a lot of clothes and papers out of the attic when he wanted to work on our old TV and internet cable. He wants a second TV cable in the living room so that when he needs a bed downstairs in the future he can have his own TV on the other end of the living room with a bed. He still drives when he is not dizzy, is weeding in the yard, and repaired my washing machine this week. I can finally wear nearly half of my old clothes now, so am taking out and putting in seams plus giving some things away. For 5 weeks I took jewelry to church to share with the gals there. I have 5 different places I am giving clothes to and even today after my chiropractor appointment am going to take a robe and warm pants to the gal I take groceries to, and pick up 3 items to shorten for her. Altering the thrift store clothes from Goodwill has been my “outlet” for years for creativity and doing something for me, so sewing became my hobby. I have way too many clothes but regularly wear from size 2 to 12 as I go up and down 25 to 30 lbs. Just call me yo-yo.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
54,9 кг	0 кг	0,5 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(4 комментарий) Потеряно 0,3 кг за Неделю

02 сентября 2022

I am going to interrupt my musings about the inheritance I received 52 years ago that my husband immediately took out of my name and put in an account with only his name so I couldn't touch it. Getting involved with organizing a little of my jewelry led me to tear into it completely and organize all of it differently. It actually has always been extremely organized and color-coded but has gone through a couple of different locations. Even my jewelry at our little cabin has the same system of wire shelving hung flat up and down the wall behind the hanging clothing so I could hang everything and see it all, as long as I didn't have too many clothes hanging in front of it. I was already in the process of taking the jewelry down and putting it in throw-away plastic boxes but was finding that if I really wanted to separate it by color it was taking too many boxes that take up too much space. Years ago I twice had a clothing and costume jewelry business doing fundraising for women's organizations. Being 80 years old I have had more time to accumulate jewelry than most, plus I always was a garage sale and thrift store shopper calling myself: Second Hand Rose. Between all the jewelry I acquired from my businesses, gifts, garage, and thrift sales there were two other large acquisitions. A couple of years ago the gal across the street was selling a lot of jewelry for $1.00 each and there were many necklace and earring sets in packaging that had never been opened. What fun! I picked out 70 pieces which included many of the new sets. They filled 2 plastic grocery bags but she didn't charge me $70.00 but only wanted $15.00. The other acquisition was from our daughter's garage sale after her mother-in-law died. I didn't get there early enough to look at the fine jewelry but I did pick out $200. worth from the costume jewelry that was left. Our daughter graciously did not let me pay for it in the end, but that kind of backfired in that there were other things I wanted to buy, as she was streamlining her house before putting it up for sale, that I was not allowed to buy. She said they couldn't take money from me. It's always been hard for me to understand the concept that I wasn't allowed to benefit by buying something I would love to have, like her fountain that other people she didn't even know, got to buy for practically nothing. Strangers were allowed to have things for pennies on the dollar that I desperately wanted to buy and she refused to sell to me. When my sister died the same thing happened to me with my nephews. They made a list of the things I wanted to buy but then told me my daughter told them not to let me have anything. She believes I have too much already and the sentimental nature of things that had belonged to our parents didn't sway her. The day they let me come look and take what I wanted it did not go well. My husband and I only had my car and I filled the back about half full. My sister had always told me that I should take this and that after she died but they said they could not find her list. She assumed they would not want any of her things and that was true but they wanted to sell things to raise money to repair the house. I kept asking them to just set a price so I could decide whether to buy it or not. My one nephew I was dealing with (to whom she did not leave anything) was the one that had lived with me for a summer when 11 when his mother gave him away. My husband would not let me keep him as I wanted, but I was always the closest to him since his mother rejected him. He is a millionaire with many rental properties and convinced his brother (that the house was left to) that going together to repair and then rent the house was a good idea. I must have said to that brother (son) a hundred times I wanted to pay for whatever I took. When he didn't let me pay for any of the things filling my car up halfway I thought it was because he had way, way more money than I do. I'm not even sure his wife knew that the list she was making that day was a “to purchase” list since I was talking to him mainly. The son that the house was left to never said anything negative to me but his wife kept repeating to me that day that I took “everything” in the house. My sister had a 4 bedroom house with an extra room off the kitchen and a full gazebo, was a hoarder, had years and years of things she had painted all over the house, and had four truckloads of painting supplies. One bedroom and the garage were so full you couldn't have put a pillow in them. But my half of a car load was “everything” in the house. My sister never expected her son whom I was close to, to show up at the house after she died since they were estranged and she didn't even leave him a penny. She knew her son that she left the house to wouldn't want anything inside because he had moved from a 3,444 square-foot gorgeous house in Arizona to a small 1,435 square-foot house in California and their two grown sons still live with them. She would not have imagined in a million years that the estranged son would come to help his brother clean out the house then talk him into going together to repair, then rent the house. The son that received the house probably would have only received about $100,000. from the house after the reverse mortgage was paid, but he is trying to buy a trucking company from his brother, is 63 years old, and has had 2 heart attacks and at least 1 stint from working so hard driving a truck full time plus running the company. After a $40,000. roof, tenting the house because it was all eaten up by termites, and a multitude of other repairs, I can't imagine how long it will be till the rent pays off the money for the repairs, then he starts getting half the profit, let alone get to the $100.000.00 he would have gotten if he had just sold it when my sister died as she had intended. It's even surprising I was dealing with the wealthy son that did not receive anything from her. The wealthy wife said I had taken the “best” things in my half-full car. They live in 3 residences. The main one is a million and a half dollar, almost 4,000 square foot house with 5 bedrooms and 5 baths. The second is a 2,168 square foot 4 bedroom, 3 bath house, on over a quarter acre in the ski area east of Los Angeles across the street from Tommy Lasorda, worth over $900.000. The third is in Lake Havasu. My sister was an 83-year-old living on a small Social Security check but had no “security”. They just wanted to sell the things but not to sell them to me after my daughter told them not to let me have any of it so she wouldn't have to deal with any more stuff after I died. She keeps bugging me to get rid of “stuff”, and now her cousin, the son I “was” the closest to, is angry at me for burdening her when I die. He told me so that day I was there to pick up some things of my sisters, but now he doesn't speak to me. They were so disparaging to me that day that I took back more than half of the things comprising my half-car full. They showed my “desire to purchase” list to my daughter and she thinks I am just terrible for desiring so many things that my sister had originally told me to just take. So much for dysfunctional family relationships. I even took back most of the costume jewelry I had picked out from my sister. I hadn't taken even 2% of what she had. The two sons never mentioned to me anything on that "desire to purchase" list. They just sold what they could in their 2-day sale, and gave away to the thrift store or threw away the rest. Now I have my costume jewelry in 5 color-coded Ziploc bags. Snack bags for earrings and necklaces that would tangle, put into sandwich bags with their matching colors. One bag has white, creme, and pearl, one has red, pink, orange, and yellow, one has browns, and one blues. The final one has too much in shades of turquoise that I may whittle down. I have some I will take to church Sunday to give away. They will not take up as much room, and I can put them in one of the cardboard boxes I use to keep my shoes in, under my hanging clothes in my closet, so when I die my daughter can just pick up the Ziploc bags to give or throw away, or they will even be easy for a burglar to carry out. Isn't that and taking care of my husband, the goal of my life?

(3 комментарий)

31 августа 2022

Yesterday and today's project is organizing jewelry that was on the bedroom dresser. My husband put it on my side of the bed (that I am not using since he locked me out) and told me to clean off the bed. I gave away clothes at church last week, which the pastor's wife took most. This week I gave her a jacket that I had spent hours tailoring. She wadded it up.
I'm reminiscing about when I at age 28 took care of my dear mother for 7 months in our home while she (at age 63) was dying of cancer, the inheritance I received, and how much it would be in today's money. My father had died four years earlier at age 65. She didn't want to go into a nursing home because she said they would just drug her out and that would be like already being dead and/or leaving her wet in bed. They do that. She wanted to be awake to pray for healing. The worse part of it was watching the pain she was in. I learned to give her shots of Morphine but most of them either didn't take effect or only lasted 10 to 20 minutes. As the hours rolled by and she was begging for more, I never knew how early I dare give it, to not overdose and accidentally kill her. The doctor said not to worry, and that he would sign the death certificate with no problems. Still, I didn't want to be the one ending her life since she wanted so badly to live. The 2nd worse thing was when two ladies came and told her she wasn't healed because of sin in her life. She racked her brain for weeks, it was horrible. That is such a cruel thing to do to someone dying. That was NOT from my God of love! I do believe in the miracle of supernatural healing but we are mortal beings living in a fallen world of death and destruction, so we all die eventually. She finally asked me to fast for her. I did till I was falling apart so then I felt like a failure. I cooked her 3 hot meals a day of anything she said appealed to her plus the warm coffee cake she liked, but the death certificate said in fancy words that she starved to death. She couldn't keep anything down. I wonder now if she was allergic to Morphine because that is what happened to me in the hospital a couple of years ago. The two things she said were that the survival instinct is stronger than we know or realize, and to always be grateful you can eat. I gained a lot of weight trying to feed her. Being 28 years old with 2 small children it was more than a full-time job. She became like my child, as I sat on the end of her bed hour after hour rubbing her cold feet. I didn't know I could push my body that hard to stay awake and live on so little sleep. The last couple of months I never went to bed, I just fell asleep an hour at a time sitting at the end of her bed with her feet in my lap. She didn't want me to leave her even to mop my kitchen floor. Fortunately, she died peacefully in my arms rather than like the dire warnings of my doctor brother-in-law. I was so physically exhausted by the time she died it took me a year to recover.
She left my sister and me $20,000.00 each when she died in 1970. I was surprised that they had that much under the circumstances, knowing how desperately hard they had worked and sacrificed. My dad had been disabled during what would have been his most productive working years from a stroke and a terrible car accident. Although he had little education he was smart as a whip and put all the cockpit instruments in Eisenhower's Presidential Airplane at Lockheed himself. Living through the depression they were “extremely” frugal. They had “roomers” living upstairs and over the garage and she used to make their beds and tidy their rooms every day and vacuum, dust, and wash their sheets and towels every week in an old washing machine with a wringer. She was always worried that it would eat my arm when I helped her. In her whole life, she never had a better machine and hung all those sheets for us and the borders or roomers outside on our many clotheslines. And she was so diligent to wash them all every week. I have a washer and dryer (used) and I don't always get it done that often. I remember so well her washing her nylon ruffled curtains and putting them on big frames made just the right size, with little nails all the way around to stretch those beautiful sheer curtains. I bet not many of you ever saw those frames. And she beat the rugs outside. Now imagine this, in their first little house in California, the bedrooms were upstairs but they had to rent them all out (plus more over the garage) because my father was off work for a year before I was five, with his bad back (it runs in the family). In alternate years her mother lived with us, so the three adults and we two children lived downstairs with no bedroom. We all slept in the dining room. The bathroom was upstairs so someone built a little lean-to bath downstairs on the back of the house. We moved to a bigger house when I was five but we still had roomers which made a lot of extra work for her since she took care of them like motel's did. They had no kitchen privileges so expectations were different then. She was the president of the women's society at church when I was seven to eleven, and busy with all the members and activities. My dad said the phone must have been growing to her ear. She never drove a car, but started working as a salesgirl at Bullock's (which became Macy's in 1995) when I was eleven, and took the bus five days a week, then six days during Christmas Holiday shopping the whole month of December. One day a week, on her day off she cleaned someone else's house, taking two buses. During the Holidays that meant she worked, standing on her feet, seven days a week. I've only known two other women in my life that worked as hard as she did.
She was “Pennsylvania Dutch” and her mother (the one that lived with us alternate years) came west in a covered wagon at six years of age. My mother made many of my dresses and even my dancing costumes until she started working outside the home. I danced on stage in theaters between shows, from four years old till about seven. Here again, she took us on the bus, plus to all of our doctor and dentist appointments. She was in the “better” jewelry section at Bullock's so had to dress up fancy every day. That is probably partly where I got used to the idea of dressing nicely. That and the actress paper dolls I played with and all their ballgowns (with no other clothes) every day after school because I was all alone. She even kept working at Bullock's after my father died, taking the bus, with her cancer till she couldn't stand anymore. I will finish this in a day or two with “Part 2 ”. That $20,000.00 she left me in 1970 when she died represented my parents working like dogs and skimping and saving for a lifetime. I put it in a joint bank account with my husband but he closed it quite soon, took it all, and put it in an account with only his name on it that did not have my signature so I couldn't touch it, and I never saw it again. He might have it today for all I know, but I don't think so. Just to give you an idea of what that money represented to her and to me 52 years ago, I looked it up on Google which said: “$20,000 in 1970 is equivalent in purchasing power to about $152,719.59 today, an increase of $132,719.59 over 52 years. The dollar had an average inflation rate of 3.99% per year between 1970 and today, producing a cumulative price increase of 663.60%.”

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(1 комментарий) Потеряно 2,5 кг за Неделю

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