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28 июля 2021

Yes, my husband has cancer. The biopsy of his lymph node shows Melanoma even though he has never had this on his skin that we know of, which happens to only 5% of persons that have it inside their bodies. It is at least stage 3 since it has spread to his lymph and a Pet scan and MRI of this brain will be done to see if it is in other places/organs which will be stage 4. He is not a candidate for surgery because of his heart failure and they can't do radiation if it is all through his lymph system. Although there is always chemo he doesn't want to be nauseous and vomiting for the rest of his life. I took care of my mother for 6 months while she was dying of ovarian cancer. It was horrible. I hope they have better meds for pain now.

(44 комментарий)

24 июля 2021

Thank you all for your kind wishes on my last journal. Our dinner out for our 60th Anniversary was very pleasant. Incredibly we started talking to the couple at the next table, and before they left they paid for our dinner. Yes, this is the same guy some have asked about in my previous journals. He doesn't treat me badly ALL the time, but yes, way too often. He gets nasty almost every day, sometimes multiple times. I'm sorry it's hard for some to understand my needing to finish my job of taking care of an 85 years old disabled husband who is weak and dizzy most of the time with his heart failure and multiple problems. Many old people run into the situation of one partner becoming mean due to dementia. I'm not saying he has dementia, and I certainly cannot commit him. He is not ready for that, and he wouldn't stay. In fact, he will not leave our home, since he cannot take care of himself at this point. I took care of my mother while she was dying of cancer and that was terrible. Our son was killed by a drunk driver, but before he died I thought I might have to take care of a near-vegetable for the rest of my life. Our daughter is very critical of me and says mean things. But she has stage 4 cancer and if she needs and wants me to care for her I intend to. Also selfishly I really don't want to give up my house and car, which we only have one of. Yes, I may leave for a night if he gets violent. A casual friend told me I would be better off living in a motel room than living with his disrespect. Motel rooms near here are dangerous and bleak places. We have lived in our comfortable 2 story house for 50 years. Just because we only paid 29,000.00 in Los Angeles, with earthquake damage, it's still a lot more comfortable than a motel room. I admit I want to keep my own comfort if possible, but even more, I really want to finish my course with honor as I see it. I have lived a very useless life, unlike other's honorable professions. I really commend them for that. I told him if he shoots me to aim for the head or the heart since I don't want to just be hurt. I will turn 80 this year and live with pain, so am ready to go. Also, I am trying to learn to keep my mouth shut, not to ask why anymore, and not try to reason with him anymore. I'm a slow learner and didn't understand his narcissistic tendencies. I tried so hard to be a good wife and didn't realize I was going in the wrong direction. I have not been easy to live with either. Sewing is my hobby and I have too many clothes from the thrift store. He would prefer to live like the house was an "army locker". The house is mostly shabby chic from thrift stores, which is busier with hand-me-downs and garage sale finds. I made all our drapes, curtains, bedspreads, and recovered furniture myself. My health problems also contributed to not wanting to support 2 children on my own. Yes, he beat me down emotionally but said it wasn't his fault because I was already weak from child abuse. What a weak wimp I was. But now I feel stronger, mentally and emotionally, and I don't want to jump ship at this very late date. It would be a certain death sentence for him. Often I think each day will be my last. I have 3 kinds of heart trouble and this bad back rules my life. Thank you, Jesus, I get to live all eternity with you. Only You accept my retched soul, with all my many faults.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
55,0 кг	0 кг	3,7 кг	Плохо

(3 комментарий) Потеряно 0,3 кг за Неделю

22 июля 2021

Today is our 60th Wedding Anniversary. Yesterday my husband had a needle biopsy of his extremely swollen lymph node under his jaw. This is very scary to me, and it will be next week before we get results. I have been with him since I was 16, and he has been the love of my life. Even though things have been up and down I can't imagine living without him and don't even want to. We are going out to dinner tonight and I will eat whatever I want, which is actually what I have been doing most of the time this last month. If he has cancer that is spreading there's really no telling which way my weight will go. He isn't a candidate for surgery because of his heart failure but feels he has lived a good life. Now at 85, with many health problems, he probably won't even change his way of eating, take chemo, or have radiation. I'm imagining the worst.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
55,1 кг	0 кг	3,8 кг	Плохо

(22 комментарий) Набралось 0,8 кг за Неделю

08 июля 2021

The replies yesterday are so appreciated. Would it be better for me to make replies on yesterday's journal or just address some today? I do Intermittent Fasting continually and without it, I would weigh much more, but even more important my brain would be worse. Nearly 3 years ago I started IF and Keto because I'd had a couple of scares driving that felt like low blood sugar and since I had read several books on Dementia because of my husband's memory loss, I learned that sugar contributes to advancing Dementia more than anything else. Actually, if we can change our brain's main fuel source to fat instead of sugar we can gain up to about 40% more efficiency or thinking. Yes, I was binging on sweets, in addition to what most people consider regular food like bread, mashed potatoes and gravy, tortillas, and even wine. As I said 6 pounds on me is one entire “dress” size which is not the case with most people. Repeating that I'd lost almost 3” in height has now changed to the new truth that I have lost 3 1/4” in height, leaving me at 5' 1/2”. It makes a world of difference in my appearance and I'm looking dumpy and having a hard time standing up straight. The only way I can look almost straight is by clasping my hands behind my back. At 60 this weight still looked great. In three months I will turn 80, and my memory continues to get worse. I have no idea if I will have or get dementia. Did you know that half, yes 50% of 85-year-olds get Alzheimer's? My mantra 3 years ago was “I need my brain”, and I should acutely remember that thought because it's the only way I will be able to be independent. I thought my husband was on the way out and yes, he was in the hospital 6 times in just over a year, the last time being kidney failure. It's a miracle he hasn't been in the hospital since October. I sure was glad for his help in May when I couldn't get out of bed or even stand up by myself. I'm better and can do my own grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, and laundry myself. But if he hadn't brought me some food in May, I may have starved or had to go into a nursing home. I'd rather starve. Yes, I totally agree I shouldn't have brought sweets into the house the last 2 weeks. I got them free at church and that is so tempting. After church, they have probably 20 big boxes of bread and sweets, and some are quite high quality. But I can easily binge on high-quality bread (La Brea Bakery: 1 of the top 10 in the US), potatoes, rice, pasta, fruit, cheese, nuts, sauces, and those things normal people have in their kitchens, and that I need to keep for cooking for my husband. I have to deprive myself to not eat the high-carb things I so want, and more fruit than my body can handle. Sorry, it's just a fact of life if I don't want to wear a size 12 (or higher) at 5' tall I can't eat high carbs and drink wine. The weight doesn't show the real fact that I have paper-thin bones plus fat, but nearly no muscle. Unfortunately, my brain isn't accepting I'm turning 80 because I haven't lost my vanity. I had no wine last night, no high carbs or sweets yesterday, and low and behold for the first time since my back went out, I walked/jumped very gently for 10 minutes on my Rebounder which sits in my living room (mini-trampoline), straight through without stopping. Wow, thank you, Lord.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
53,4 кг	0,5 кг	2,2 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(1 комментарий) Потеряно 2,5 кг за Неделю

07 июля 2021

I realize my brain is strange, but I wonder if anyone else has these thoughts. When I am being strict to lose weight I can't really understand other people that are binging or eating unhealthy food. But conversely, when I am binging I don't know how to get control back and don't understand people who are able to be really strict. When I have fallen off the wagon, in the past I have gone as long as a year before I got control back, and perhaps have gone up 5 sizes.

Currently, I was really strict near the end of my 6-month challenge for Healthy Wage to lose 20 lbs, and was thinking about the things I could have after the challenge was over, even fantasizing about it. It ended for me on June 26th, 10 days ago, and boy did I let loose after and gained 6 lbs, going up a full size in my clothing in that 10 days. I couldn't think of how to get control back in all the different ways I talked to myself, trying to reason with my "higher" self. Today was the first day that I haven't binged on sweets, bread, and wine. Maybe, just maybe, I can get back on track. I am lousy at maintenance. I want to be strict to lose that one size and probably would like to go down one more size, so I can get into more of my old clothes. If I manage that, I know I will start eating more fruit, plus wine before dinner, and will start gaining again. If I was more active maybe I could handle those things, but with my bad back, I may never be very active. It's just very positive that I have one day under my belt of no binging. I think the answer is that I am just very (think extremely) addicted to anything that turns to sugar in my body.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
53,8 кг	0,1 кг	2,5 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(11 комментарий) Набралось 1,3 кг за Неделю

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