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01 января 2022

Happy New Year. Like many others, with the new year, comes new resolutions. Up until last night, yesterday would have been day 22 with no sweets. But I had 4 unsatisfying cookies that were made with very little sugar trying to satisfy our daughter's memories of past Christmases. She wanted to renew her old memories, but I wonder how much it satisfied? Our tradition of Italian Apricot Horns was a fond memory but she didn't want to be eating the sugar. Why oh why did I keep eating from that first batch that had been baked twice and was not even very good. I told myself it wouldn't matter since I was starting from scratch with the new year. Gee, I sound like the sugarholic, that I am. Any old excuse to indulge. Today I start over with a new resolve. I do have a goal, but it's a big one for me, so maybe it would be best unsaid but here goes. I would like to lose 25 lbs this year. I've done it before but I was younger and more fit. A couple of years ago it took me 8 months to lose 8 lbs. Then again, last year I lost 20 lbs in 6 months to join Debbie Cousins' challenge. But by the end, I was just dreaming of all the things I could have when it ended. I was very, very strict by that time: too strict to maintain. So this year I will give myself an entire year. I will go back to 1. no sweets, and 2. severely restrict high carbs. I am wishy-washy about bread. But wishy-washy doesn't win the war, does it? For example, even though I want to cut out wheat products I am having Crepes Ensanada for dinner made with flour tortillas because our daughter left a dinner's worth for us. I have it, it's made and ready, all I have to do is heat it, and I am going to eat it. That's how I plan to live: mostly easy. But no more French Toast for breakfast with my beloved La Brea Bakery bread. I get it free and it's from one of the top 10 bakeries in the United States. No wonder I'm "fluffy".

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
62,3 кг	0 кг	11,1 кг	Плохо

(3 комментарий) Потеряно 0,4 кг за Неделю

23 декабря 2021

Thank you to those that have expressed care, concern, and well wishes. Actually, things are relatively okay here. Some better, some the same. Our daughter and husband are here for Christmas. Because of my husband's cancer, she wants to see him when she can and plans to come back in March for his birthday. She only asked that we make our traditional Italian Apricot Horn cookies and make an assembly line doing them like we used to do starting in 1971. I did eat 2 cookies yesterday but we only put 1/2 of the sugar in the apricot filling as called for, plus only put 1/3 of the sugar in the almond coating. Today would be day 16 of me giving up sweets and if I can resist eating any more cookies I have decided to just keep on counting. If not, I plan to go back on my "sweets" wagon after Christmas. She will be leaving Sunday, and that's a good time. You can see I have gained a lot of weight, now being heavier than ever in my life. The highest I have ever been before was 136 and I was 3 1/4 inches taller then. So now at 5' 1/2" I am more than fluffy. For New Years I would like to give up wine and bread for a time to lose some weight, but don't have any idea if I can manage since I am totally addicted to high carbs. I not only have not lost any weight in the two weeks since I went off sweets, but I have gained another 2 lbs.
My husband is doing surprisingly well with his cancer since Melanoma is very aggressive. The lymph node in his neck has shrunk by about a third and the pet scan shows all his other "lumps and bumps" are too small to diagnose that they would be cancer. His stomach bothers him a lot with his infection there plus he has acid reflux which is finally being treated now.
I think the stress of him getting mad at me almost every day plus the idea of probable future illness and national problems in our future has contributed to my weight gain. My back has been worse for the last two months. I have not been flat on my back like last spring but I live with so much pain that I am very scared about it. The future is uncertain for lots of us so I live in appreciation to the Lord for what I have today. I know He is carrying me.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
62,9 кг	0 кг	11,6 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(4 комментарий) Набралось 0,6 кг за Неделю

29 ноября 2021

Yes, it's been a long time that I've been away from FS. Guess it's because I'm binging and don't have much to report about my husband. Life has just been going along. I believe the Lord is carrying me. Down deep inside I am partially faith-filled that the Lord will give me the strength to cope with the future, and partially I have tension over anxiety for the future. I'm scared of pain: emotionally and physically.
I turned 80 during this time away. My back has not "gone out" as it did in April or May, but I live with quite a bit of pain. That alone is scary to me. If there is a repeat of my 3-week episode of not being able to get up or walk, and my husband is not able to help me, I will have to go to a rehab or nursing-type facility. I shop, cook, do the dishes, do laundry, dust, wash the wood floors on my knees, but not much else cleaning because of my back and can't say the house is really clean. Can't get help now.
My husband was dragging his feet about having surgery to remove his cancerous tumor from his lymph because of his heart failure, not wanting to repeat his reaction to the medication of surgery, and other possible negative effects of surgery. Since the Melanoma cancer has already spread to his lymph it hardly seems that surgery might have any effect on his longevity. He was in the process of getting more info and his last exam by the oncologist was a surprise that they couldn't feel the tumor, the oncologist decided to just have another pet scan for now and see the progression. Which he did a week ago, but we have no results because the doctor postponed his visit "FOUR WEEKS". I believe my husband just wants to feel good as long as possible, then when he gets sick to take a suicide pill. His stomach infection (gastritis) bothers him some since 2 rounds of antibiotics didn't heal it. H-pylori tends to be chronic. He still thinks it is just fine to touch public things others touch including the inside door knobs on public restrooms. He's wrong, yuck... He has been quiet and remote this last couple of weeks and divides his time between the news, wrestling, and hard porn.
I have been binging on high carbs and sweets and gained over 20 lbs in the last 4 months. I don't even know where to get the "want to" to get back on the wagon, and have gotten more fluffy than ever in my life. I took out the side seams in several pairs of black pants that I had previously taken in, and wear stretch pants/leggings a lot.
Our daughter and her husband came for Thanksgiving (from Arizona) and will come for Christmas also. She wants to spend time with her father while she can since we have no idea how the future will shape up. It seems we are in a holding pattern (as I get bigger and bigger).
We talk about finally getting new countertops for our 55-year-old, earthquake-damaged kitchen. He says to pick whatever material I want. As before that means that whatever I want is okay as long as he chooses it. He still wants the first choice and it better not cost a lot. I moved a lot of items from the top shelf of the lower cabinets into the dining room to prepare for the old tile to come off but maybe this is never going to happen.
Frankly, I am also nervous about the way our economy is going. I do watch Youtube to learn about water filters, dehydrating foods, etc. It's probably my escape. I try to prep a little, but he is totally against it. When I save water, he finds the bottles, empties them, and throws the bottles away. He doesn't like what I am doing (saving water, watching Youtube/computer, etc) and I don't like what he is doing (watching porn: emotional adultery). In fact, I don't think he likes me much at all. We don't spend much time talking. He sure is not a conversationalist, and does not ever want to talk about "what if". His head is in the sand in most areas of life. He also does not want to hear about friends of mine, such as they are, the economy, or much that is interesting. Yes, Youtube is my best friend.

(18 комментарий)

25 сентября 2021

Today is day 20 of not eating sweets but my resolve is fragile since I still think about going ahead and having them. Wine is an off again, on again thing, but I am totally addicted to bread. It's hard to get the will to stop.
My husband's tests did not show any big cancer in other parts of his body which we are very grateful for but he still has aggressive Melanoma in his lymph. The problem in his stomach turned out to be an infection causing gastritis so he is on antibiotics for that. Coffee, alcohol, fat, and sugar just make it worse but he thinks if he takes his meds he can get away with poor food choices. The oncologist team had a meeting this week to discuss what to do about his cancer. They said there is no chemo, and that he cannot take the targeted treatment others use because of his heart failure. Before his testing the last 2 weeks (PET Scans and MRI) they said they hope to have surgery to remove the tumor, but he is leaning away from it. I cannot advise him at all because I haven't the faintest idea what is best for him, other than changing his way of living and eating. There are many alternative things like teas and juicing vegetables but he doesn't want things unless they taste good. He seems willing to do that about 50%, which probably is not enough, but may give him a little more time. Sugar feeds cancer, but since he still feels good he is not willing to make much change. This last week calmed down some with only 3 doctor appointments between the two of us, then also 3 for this coming week, 2 of which are for me. I am scheduled Tuesday to have a post put in for an implanted tooth which I'm not looking forward to since the bone was infected when I had the graft.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
55,8 кг	0 кг	4,5 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(10 комментарий) Набралось 0,2 кг за Неделю

09 сентября 2021

Last week I only made it 4 days without sweets, then going out to eat after a doctor's appointment I relented and fell off the sweets wagon. But after 3 days of sweets, I again crawled back on my plan, plus this time giving up wine for the time being also. I am on day 4 today and have lost over a pound, plus this is at a very stressful time. My husband had the endoscope procedure yesterday into his stomach to see if his tumor is part of the melanoma cancer that has spread to his lymph. UCLA did the procedure in the hospital instead of their special office set-up because of his heart failure, and it took longer than I expected, but seems to have gone well. I must admit I expect melanoma since it is such aggressive cancer. He says he will "take a pill" if things get serious or he is uncomfortable. I'm not going to get it for him. I can understand people that are in a lot of pain, but he doesn't sound like he would wait for any pain or even disability. He just doesn't want to bother with much. He has no relationship with the Lord so that resource is not available and he has no friends. He sounds like he would bail out early because he does not want to be bothered with much. Helping me has never been high on his priority list. I have no idea when we will get the results since the gastroenterologist did not speak to me after the procedure. I've never even met him, a different one did the initial consultation, and because I haven't had the vaccine they didn't let me go upstairs. Time to get ready for another appointment today for his pesky ear infection. This will be #7 in visits for it, twice in emergency. It went from bacterial to fungus.

Вес:	Потеряно до сих пор:	Еще предстоит сделать:	Следовательность диеты:
55,4 кг	0 кг	4,2 кг	Достаточно Хорошо

(10 комментарий) Потеряно 0,4 кг за Неделю

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