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31 августа 2021

Day 2 (again) of being off sweets. I fell off the wagon and Sunday again was overwhelmed by all the free goodies at church. Yes it would be a good idea to avoid getting free food at church but it helps the food budget greatly plus I take food to a friend that needs help after her surgery. We have had so many doctor visits and tests then gone out to dinner, plus the free goodies at church is how I fell off the wagon. I want to lose a few pounds but I'm not being harsh on myself and haven't even given up high carbs or wine because of the roller coaster my life is right now. We don't know yet if my husband's metastatic melanoma cancer has spread farther than his lymph yet. He will have a scope put down his throat next week to see if the nodule/tumor at the end of his stomach is a melanoma too or something else. I'm expecting melanoma. I was very depressed Sunday, but have been holding it together the last 2 weeks and have been able to take him to his many appointments and taken care of the many telephone calls trying to arrange his consultations and emergency visits for ear infections, plus other things. He is now speaking of changing his way of eating but then buys sweets and drinks pop. At 85 I doubt if he will change, and probably he can't change enough to make a difference anyway. There is no chemo for melanoma, and he can't take the targeted treatment because of his heart failure. Thank you, Lord, for giving me strength. I am terrified of living alone but God will give me that strength when I need it. I have started working on the information I need to collect for making a Living Trust, Will, Advance Health Directive, etc. I see now why I avoided it all these years. Being a private person it is hard to share my information with anyone. They want to know everything we own, all our income, and all our expenses. There are many issues I couldn't get my husband to talk about. Last week I asked him if he was willing to follow my desires of not having chest compressions (they break bones) to be resuscitated, intubation (tube breathing), or artificial feeding at the end of my life. I don't want that pain, and since I will be 80 in two months, those things would not give me any quality time. I fear the pain of them breaking my bones, and wanted to know if he could be strong enough to let me go if it came to that? He said he would do any damn thing he pleased. Clearly, I can't trust him, and although I didn't want to hurt his feelings by cutting him out of decision making that is exactly what I will do and make our daughter solely in charge of life and death decisions for my end of life. One problem is that she has stage 4 cancer. I might outlive her and I have no one else. Her husband will not even discuss these things and says he will commit suicide if she dies. I haven't figured out what to do with my finances yet, but am thinking about it. I have no idea if I will still have my home when I die. My house is very full, plus 2 attics full, (50 years worth) but I'm not willing to give it up until I have to, and have no interest in living anywhere else. Thank you, Lord, I have some finances to figure out. Thank you, Lord, I will still have a small/modest income to live on if my husband dies. I am good at being frugal and can manage unless the bottom falls out of the whole financial system, then we'd all be in the same boat. Everyone, be good to yourself. That is what I am trying to do, and still accomplish something every day.

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23 августа 2021

3WestiesMom, how do I let you know your site has gone private. I can't even send you a private message to let you know. Was that an accident? You had said you like to communicate with others but that they only let you comment to a limited number of people. If you see this go into your site that gives you options and choose to let everyone see your journals. For me, they kept putting me onto not letting new people see me until they requested to do so. But in yours now I don't even see that option. And you have disappeared from my list of people I follow. Make some changes so we can support you and chat again. I enjoy you.

(2 комментарий)

16 августа 2021

Monday is always a good time to start fresh, even at 4 in the morning. Last Monday (planning ahead) I gave up sugary desserts and I was totally successful all week till yesterday. With my circumstances, anyone would say let it go, and just start over today which is exactly what I will do. There is a free food give-out after church and I only got the chocolate croissants to give to the gal I take food to, who can't get out or hardly even cook for herself since her surgery. I am very stressed by my husband's metastatic melanoma cancer. He had the PET scan Wednesday with radioactive glucose to see how far it has spread and the melanoma specialist said he would call Friday, which he didn't. The report is in his online chart which reads: “FDG (radioactive glucose) uptake is noted in the visualized portions of the brain, salivary gland tissues, myocardium, the abdominal solid organs, gastrointestinal tract, both kidneys, ureters, and the urinary bladder.” Swell. One night this week I didn't sleep a wink, others averaged maybe 4 or 5 hours. I had diarrhea 4 nights this week and had chest pains for so long one night I finally packed a bag to take to the hospital but didn't go. Last afternoon and evening we spent 4 hours going to 2 full urgent cares then the ER of our local hospital for an ear infection of my husband. So binging on 3 chocolate croissants yesterday wasn't the worst thing in the world. I didn't take any of the cakes, pies, or cookies at the free give-out after church, and I will start over today. High carbs will have to be cut next but maybe I will give up one thing each day since I can't face it all at once yet. Let's see, can I give up anchovies today even though they aren't high carb? I started having wine again but am still doing Intermittent Fasting and lost 1.2 lbs this week. That which you have recently gained comes off easiest. I've never lived alone and with my bad back, it really scares me. That and what else is coming. Good thing the Lord is holding on to me. I'm very attached to my home after 50 years and want to stay here. Oh, another news for the couple of people that know my story: this week I received the deed to my sister's half of our cabin. She finally did the right thing leaving it to me in her Trust since she owed me more than her half was worth.

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09 августа 2021

Today is the day I start my commitment (to myself) to have no sweets or desserts, in what that means to me. Sugar is the issue here. Too bad I can't just cut down, but have to swear off completely to not be triggered to binge: just like an alcoholic. No cake, pie, cookies, donuts, or candy, those sweet kinds of things. It does not mean fruit even though that is a real issue when we want to cut down our blood sugar. I will deal with high carbs later. Usually when I swear off, I allow myself a couple of exceptions, the main one being strawberry shortcake because I only use biscuits that I make myself, and milk on top. It does not include 72% chocolate that I want to start again having 1 square a day for my heart. It sure isn't sweet, and until I get off the sugar I can barely stand it. Nineteen years ago we went to Europe and when we left I was having a minimum of 3 desserts a day. When we got home I swore off desserts, and didn't have any for 6 years. I don't remember which thing it was that triggered me to fall off the (dessert) wagon that time. Some times it was a year before I was able to get back on. This time it is just over 6 weeks but I sure have done some damage. Yesterday in anticipation of my swearing off, I ate three fourths of a small cake for breakfast/lunch and Tiramisu in the evening. It was more than desserts that made up my big 6 week binge and I haven't decided how and when I will bring the rest of it under control. It is all a matter of our making up our minds, isn't it? I didn't even have any wine tonight. I haven't decided how I want to cut back on that or bread. I did have one slice of bread at breakfast today. Since I gained 10 pounds in 6 weeks I want to cut back further but may do it in incremental steps. First things first: sugar!

(17 комментарий)

07 августа 2021

I am so addicted to sugar. That includes not only sweet treats and desserts, but also grains like bread, and other high carbs. Maybe I am addicted to bread more than any other. Going up 2 sizes since finishing my challenge with Debbie Cousins at the end of June I have gone up 2 sizes. Others talk about just eating a little dessert or bread, but that doesn't work for me. When I partake, I am triggered just like if I were an alcoholic. I had to be so strict at the end of the challenge to get my money back and get the rest allotted to me, I was dreaming of what I could eat when it ended. I didn't entirely fast like Debbie but was most of the way there for a week or two. I never have been able to find balance. Yes, I pray about it, but God isn't going to “make” me stop eating sweets, high carbs, or binging.
It is imperative I find it in myself to swear off. Since my husband has been diagnosed with advanced melanoma cancer, which is very aggressive, and one of my breasts is hurting, what I eat and serve is crucial since sugar feeds cancer. He may continue with cookies and soda pop, and I can't control him, but what I do will influence him. He saw the first main big oncologist yesterday but won't be having the PET Scan till Wednesday next week to see how far it might have spread. Surprisingly this doctor is hoping it hasn't spread beyond this one spot in his lymph and is leaning toward surgery. It's surprising because my husband has heart failure and I didn't think he was a candidate for surgery at all. I'm not very optimistic it hasn't spread further since he had had abdominal pain for 3 or 4 months. It was also surprising he does not want my husband to have the iodine radioactive dye in his PET Scan at all because of his chronic kidney disease and kidney failure last October. Even the kidney doctor didn't say that, only that it can cause kidney damage. They won't even consider Chemo for him and not even targeted treatment because of his age and many problems. This melanoma specialist at UCLA doesn't really even want to test for him being a candidate for immunology treatment and hasn't started genetic testing. They were all surprised by how good my husband looks for his many problems.
Our daughter and husband were here for 4 days from Arizona. It was mostly good, but always kind of hard too. We've been so busy running here and there for different doctors, tests, studying melanoma, cleaning for our critical daughter's visit, and my back screaming, I've been frazzled. Yes, my husband still yells at me, even though I'm knocking myself out helping him. Our daughter told me her cancer markers in her blood test were up 10 points which was disappointing since she is trying this very strict eating protocol and they had been down in the previous two tests. But she was thrilled with her PET Scan which only had one active lesion lighting up the scan from all her many bone lesions that are quiet or maybe we could even say are in remission at the moment. It's been almost 5 years for her, and she is still pretty strong but has diarrhea every day from her oral chemo. There are no other oral chemos left for her, and she doesn't want to go on intravenous chemo unless absolutely necessary, of course. She said if it wasn't for her husband she wouldn't even take chemo. She is more and more into alternative methods.

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