Annisworkingonit- Журнал, 16 июн 24

Dear FS Friends,

I am in a tailspin. John started chemo and radiation last week. We were there Monday to Friday. Outlook was good. He tolerated treatment well. Was in good spirits.

As is our custom, we were having our Saturday morning coffee on the front patio when he coughed up some blood. Since he was cytotoxic, this needed to be cleaned up pronto so our little dogs didn't get into it. So I did.

He moved from the gated patio to the driveway where things went downhill fast. He started coughing up bright red blood in streams which also started pouring from his nose as well. Called 911. Seemed like an eternity til they got here and since John was cytotoxic they had to gown up first. While they were gowning up he died in my arms. They attempted to revive him but couldn't get a shockable rhythm. For 40 minutes they tried to no avail. Since he died at home, my driveway became a crime scene until the coroner arrived 4 hours later to clear the scene. My darling John lay there on the driveway, blood covered, pools of blood everywhere, baking in the sun with flies buzzing around. I wanted to set up an umbrella so as to at least shade him, but was not allowed to do so. In speaking with the coroner, there was nothing that could have been done to save him whether in the hospital or my driveway. He had gone for a CT scan 12 hours earlier and it showed that the lung lesion was tunnelling into his blood vessels. One cough started this all.

And so my best friend, former fiancee is gone. Despite the issues we've had through the years, one thing was certain - he was my person and I his. How to move forward from this is a mystery. My heart is well and truly broken.

I can't bear to open the fridge as we had prepped food for his sons visit which was to be yesterday. I look at it, close the fridge and cry.

A long journey of healing ahead and much to take care of as despite my constant reminders to do so, he died intestate. His stuff populates my house (3 years spent here during covid + broken ankle + heart attack will do that) Can't bear to look at any of it or even deal with things at this stage. Cupboards are full of chemo snacks. Freezer full of ice cream. Fridge full of yogourt, crab and smoked salmon. We had totally stocked up for this chemo journey. Not that having his boys remove his belongings and food items in the next few days will make one iota of difference I know, but things are so raw right now that just looking at the things I was craving 48 hours ago, now make me nauseous.

To those of you out there with loved ones, make sure that they know well and truly how you feel about them. Today might be their, or your last one together.

Deep in grief. Rest in Peace my dearest John.

Over and Out

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