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Hey guys, I have found that writing here, where only really nice people are, is really therapeutic for me. I've always wanted to keep a journal but i have never really been able to keep a journal to myself, I don't know why it feels better to have something out there for people to read, and maybe relate to, or maybe offer a perspective I hadn't grasped yet.
This weekend was pretty rough. I went to visit my old best friend Brandy (who is pretty emotionally exhausting all by herself). We have been friends for 10 years, but I only talk to her once a year or so. I shoudl stop. She's a toxic person. Even though I very roughly counted calories while there, I wasn't as stringent as I usually am and I know I went over. Three times when I tried to order a healthy alternative, she bitched and whined about how I was eating too little and making her look bad, and so when I changed my order to make her feel better, she ate about two bites of hers and was 'full'.
Her stepdad, who is a photographer and thinks I'm beautiful, wanted to take a portrait of me. It was fun at the time but the pictures turned out awful. Not awful, real. I am overweight. Ever since that moment I saw the pictures I've wanted to crawl out of my skin. I don't know how I could have this weight on my entire life and now, all of a sudden, I can't stand it.
Brandy is one of those waifish, 100 pound weak defenseless types. Kind of like a little doll. She is notorious for having boyfriends who are overprotective and shield her from everything, and do everything for her. I used to be very jealous of her. I don't want to be her anymore. I want to be a confident, in control woman who doesn't need anyone but herself for self esteem. I want to be strong, not tiny and weak and defenseless. I worry that trying to follow her footsteps all these years have led me to be this unconfident and unhappy with who i am.
I think what depressed me the most about being there with her again is that even though I don't envy her anymore for her body and the way she can manipulate anyone, I envy that she's been able to control who she is and how she looks, and I've failed at that my whole life.
I know that losing weight is not going to give me this confidence that I need so badly. I don't know what will give me this confidence. Her stepdad sent me the portrait and everyone says its beautiful, and I don't see any beauty in it.
I think it's just that all these bad feelings I stuff down to make it possible for me to get out and work, and accomplish things are coming back up this week, and I hope it passes soon.
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1050 ккал
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Жир: 46,11г | Белк: 61,61г | Углев: 107,23г.
Завтрак: Flaked Light Tuna Snack - Spicy Thai Sweet Chili. Обед: campbells healthy request. Ужин: Minced Garlic, Tomato Paste (No Salt Added), Zucchini , Onions, Basil , Parmesan Cheese (Shredded) , Butter, Mozzarella Cheese. Перекус/Другое: Flaked Light Tuna - Mayo & Water Chestnuts. подробнее ...
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 Комментария
Over the last 3 yrs I've been weeding out my "friends" & getting rid of toxic people in my life. It's not easy, but it's not hard when you realize just how important your own happiness is. Losing the weight won't give you all the confidence you need but if will help. I know what it's like to look in the mirror & hate what you see. I battle it everyday. But one thing I've noticed is that when I take better care of myself & I don't let other people (in any way, shape, or manner) stand in my way it's a million times easier to accept me for who I am today & feel better about myself. When I workout, make good food decisions, it's another way of saying "I love myself enough to take care of me & I deserve this more than ever." You deserve as well Erin! You ARE a beautiful, intelligent & strong woman! I don't even know you personally yet you convey it in your writing. You need to allow yourself the confidence to let it shine. It's not easy, I know. This is something I really do struggle w/ everyday but have been making a real conscious effort as of late. It may not have been the best weekend, but you can turn this week into something great. You really can hun. *Hugs* = ) Janisha
27 июл 10 написано членом: Evil_Angel_Shay
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I hear you...self-esteem is a tough thing to build. Getting rid of toxic "friends" is most certainly step 1. Also reading/listening to the people like Dr. Wayne Dyer and Esther and Jerry Hicks can be tremendously helpful. They give some really great insights. Can also try hypnosis audios from Glenn Harold. He has them for weight loss, building self-esteem, building self-confidence, positive thinking. Debra Berndt is also good. Wishing you lots of success!
27 июл 10 написано членом: jane4if
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First you have to like yourself if you're overweight or not that's always has to be number one..And i'm sure you're going in that direction everything always falls into place with a push from within
I'm a believer of postive energy and yours needs to be tapped, You are beautiful that's a fact! now start showing that light ..and smile as much as you can everyday
27 июл 10 написано членом: thecoach
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Just reading your blog brought tears to my eyes!! it brings back allot of memories of how I use to feel and still do somedays. After losing 120lbs I still look in the mirror and I still see a fat person, but I am working on retraining my brain, its all about loving yourself and whatever stage you are in your life!! You are strong and beautiful and the number on the scale doesn't determine who you are
27 июл 10 написано членом: Lydia Kleyn
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It's hard to come to terms with the fact that someone you care about is bad for you, but that's reality sometimes. And if you need to stay away from her, then you should. It's hard to have that hindsight & see that someone manipulated you when you were only trying to be nice, but all you can do is keep moving forward. Stick to your program & rebuild yourself by chipping away at the excess weight & improving your health. It's hard to like the way you look when you just DON'T, but all you can do is keep plugging away & do what you can each day. And they will get better. Hang in there chick.
27 июл 10 написано членом: kstubblefield
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Be kind to yourself, you sound like an intelligent woman by the way you write. Believe in yourself, if you believe in yourself so will others. Self resoect/self love is where everything good begins- you can do it.
27 июл 10 написано членом: Debinator
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I feel like I have weeded out a ton of my friends, mostly because they all just want to party and drink. I know what you mean when you just don't feel beautiful. everyone always thinks just because you have a cute face or even a cute body that you should feel comfortable with who you are. I never once thought that my body was out of control until I couldn't fit into my jeans. That was shattering for me...now my mind has really screwed everything up..I no longer even want to be naked in front of my boyfriend. I don't feel sexy and it has dramatically reduced our sex life. I am trying to be better about it all...luckily my bf is really supportive and doesnt make me feel like I am ridiculous for counting calories. He also doesnt think I am fat, but is supportive of whatever makes me happy. I no longer look at myself in pictures...I don't even feel a difference in my jeans...go figure! but what you should know is that you are truly making a difference in your life by doing what you are doing. Getting rid of the toxic people in your life and the weight will give you confidence...The envy will subside. I use to be really envious of my friends...and then one day I was driving and realized I pretty much have everything. I am a pretty spoiled american girl. Granted I have a horrible family and there are always hurdles, My life is still my own, what I choose to do with my body, is my choice and that really allowed me to drop the envious act. Losing the weight will give you confidence and the feeling you get from eating healthier foods with make you feel physically better.
28 июл 10 написано членом: kanan123
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Very moving journal entry. I hope the honesty helps you know (and love) yourself more.
Don't be afraid to stand your ground. Last week, I had to turn down extra food (all stuff like cake and chocolate) at work 12 times, 7 times to the same person, who would say things like "this isn't the real you" or "I know you want some." This week, I was offered food twice so far, and we're already past "hump day." I think my polite "No, thanks, I brought all the food I need to work" sunk in, and it really didn't take that long.
Also, although of course your self esteem can't be entirely dependent on your weight, getting your eating in control is a huge accomplishment, and will certainly benefit your self esteem. So, go for it!
28 июл 10 написано членом: PokieMoma
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