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01 июля 2024

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30 июня 2024

Happy Sunday FS friends

Despite my want to work in the yard yesteray, it did not come to pass. I'd get geared up and the skies would open. I don't mind working in a drizzle, but monsoonish rains are beyond me.

Instead, I started going through the freezers. It is sad really. John had starved as a child (how he grew to 6'6" is beyond me). To that end though he was fanatical about shopping sales. So I have two upright freezers, both full as he was buying extra stuff to stock up for things he might like to eat during chemo. There are things that I neither like nor eat. I've sent stuff off with his sons in weeks past, but am now stuck with frozen deshelled clams, mussels, calamari tentacles, baby scallops, imitation crab. Yes, sounds like a seafood smorgasbord because it is. All in their natural state as John didn't like breaded anything. As wasteful as this sounds, odds are I'll set this stuff out to feed our local fox. Don't know what else to do with it as it wouldn't be food bank eligible, my neighbours aren't interested. Might make a gumbo like soup though. Need to find a palatable recipe. Not a fan of food waste.

I'm eating more. Some of his food although not on my meal plan is palatable enough for me to work on finishing them and I have been. Tom Yum soup with dumplings, chicken spring rolls and the like. I'm fitting them into my caloric budget, but at this stage still not hungry. Fruit on the other hand, I'm tolerating well and I like it. Need to up the protein quotient though lest I start losing muscle mass.

What is profoundly weird about this journey is just how long days are. Time isn't flowing as it normally does. Days just drag on and seem to be endless.

This too will pass

Over and out

(4 комментарий)

29 июня 2024

Good morning FS friends

Another day begins. It is a rainy one here by the Mighty Niagara River. Will likely head outside as the rain is softening the soil and I have some pretty healthy sow weed, thistles, common buckthorn and other unwanted intruders to get rid of. Good thing too as in the physical effort, it tires the body and eases the soul. Gardening has always been my solace as well as my happy place.

Am planning to add a pond feature as there are some drainage issues and as a tribute to John. It was in the building of my first pond in 2005 at my old home where we first became a couple. We were solidly in the friend zone back then having lived in the same neighbourhood in the 90's. By the 2000's we had both moved from that neighbourhood, me going further east in Toronto, he moved to the west end.

During the course of my work travels to and from Montreal on the overnight train, there were times where he was the locomotive engineer. We'd meet on the platform at the end of the trip in Montreal and shoot the breeze. I mentioned I was going to put in a pond during my upcoming vacation, he had books and a video. He came to my home with the materials at the start of vacation, we had dinner together (where I cinderised some filet mignon). God love him. He was king of the BBQ who ate his steak medium rare and yet he ate my hockey pucks anyways.

The following week he came back to inspect my work. Apparently it passed as that day, August 5 2005, we started our journey as a couple. The journey was one with a bunch of twists and turns, ups and downs. Despite his inability to conquer the beast of alcoholism, he did his best to contain that disease whilst here visiting me. Whether it was through covid lockdowns, his broken ankle in 21, heart attack in 22 and more recently the cancer journey, we had become closer than ever with him spending the bulk of his time here. What was not in doubt, particularly in these last months was that we were in this together whatever may come. The depth of love and regard for one another was at a whole new level. I take comfort in knowing that he knew he was very muched loved before his passing.

And so it goes

Over and out

(3 комментарий)

28 июня 2024

Hello FS friends,

Well this journey cerainly is not a linear one. My friend who is now back in town and I went to a show at the Casino - the Clairvoyants. It was OK, however magic acts aren't really my thing. Music on the other hand most certainly is and given our pattern so far this year, odds are there will be more concerts upcoming. Before I used them to lift my spirits to face the cancer journey with John ahead. Going forward, they will be a break from the grieving process. Music has been a part of my life forever and has the power to uplift.

I guess I forgot to mention that it was my birthday a couple of days before John's passing. Needless to say it was a non event given we were in chemo and radiation the bulk of the day. The day prior to my birthday as we were driving home, we stopped at a garage sale. There was a beautiful bronze statue of a mermaid - 4 ft long, 2 ft high - big and heavy. I quite liked it but came to the conclusion that at the moment we could not afford it, nor could we move it. John told me on Saturday morning just minutes before the end that he had gone back the next day on my birthday after I had left to go to the concert to get it for me (I'm impossible to buy for). Sadly it was gone. I talked to the guy yesterday, and sure enough John had gone back and according to the guy was gutted that it was gone. John, thank you for thinking of me. He did get me a lovely card (which I cannot find anywhere at the moment...I suppose I put it in a very safe place.) Would hate to think that it went out in Tuesdays garbage, but then again, chaos has been the norm lately.

Yesterday I ate. On my way home from the show, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some fruit, then wandered the store to see if there was anything at all that might create a craving. Ended up with a small bag of pierogies, which I cooked with leftover bacon and ate. It put me over my daily caloric budget, but I've been running at too great a deficit. Did I like it? It was OK. Did it sit well with me? Nah. Woke up with wicked indigestion at 3AM. The other dumb thing I did was not take the sleep aid thinking lets see how it goes. Indigestion and panic attack and an inability to fall back asleep....not a good thing.

And so it goes. This too will pass.

Over and out

A picture of John and I 6 days prior to his passing

(11 комментарий)

27 июня 2024

Good morning FS friends

Woke up feeling better today. Likely a transient state of being, but as I look at my garden and the sow weed that persists, there is work to be done and it will soothe my soul digging that stuff out. I am so far behind and physical output will help with sleep. Don't want to take sleep aids forever, only to get through this hump. Victims services reached out (the police referred me). I will be talking to them today hopefully to get some coping strategies as John's last minutes were gruesome, his poor body baking in the son a disgrace, and clean up..let's just say that despite hours of powerwashing, when the right humidity and sun hits, blood still seeps up through the ashphalt. I'm struggling with flashbacks and the horror of it all and if they can direct me as to how to get rid of the infinite loop that plays in my head that will surely help.

Have to take my ancient cat Angus in for his arthritis shot this morning and my friend in the region has scored more casino comps so we'll be seeing the Clairvoyants. When John passed I called her to let her know what had happened, she had a vacation booked to Newfoundland the next day and God love her, was willing to cancel it. To what end though. Other than a physical presence for me, there would have been nothing gained by her missing out on that trip. As is she did touch base daily whilst away and that certainly helped me internalise that my world and circle, albeit small is still there. I admit though that I'm so glad she's back and will see her today.

Still no appetite but am certain it will return with time and healing. Past losses have resulted in binges so this is a first. I suppose 16 months of a disciplined approach to food intake and the food addiction course I took along the way may have forever changed how I use food as fuel as opposed to food as a coping mechanism. One can only hope that's the case.

(3 комментарий)

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