erin74kr- Журнал, 07 июл 10

This will be the first time I've ever been completely honest online, or really with anyone, about my struggles with weight. I have been in denial about my weight for a long time. When I was 170, I was convinced 170 was ok. When I was 180, I thought 180 was ok too. 190.. 200, 210, all the same. I felt a change in the fit of my clothes, having to buy new ones, and I felt a complete lack of energy, but I still saw the same person in the mirror at each weight. I could never understand why when people took pictures of me, they turned out looking completely different from what I saw each day in the mirror. I've always been able to be with the men I wanted to be with, and no one has ever called me fat, out of anger or otherwise.

Now, that might seem like a great thing. after all, if you are a bigger person that still sees yourself as beautiful, and you have a group of friends and family and a boyfriend who never makes you feel bad for who you are, it would seem you're ahead of the game. But I also suffer from a lot of social anxiety. I always assume I'm not someone who is desirable to talk to, and don't engage with strangers. I even find myself feeling embarrassed and apologetic when i'm out walking or jogging, because I'm out of shape and am so sure I look pathetic and stupid.

Today, I went for a run, and was surprised by how little I could do compared to this time last year, which was also 20 pounds ago. After my shower, I opened up my webcam and really just relaxed my body, to assess where I was. This is what I saw:


Rolls and layers of fat I don't feel when i smooth my hands over my body when I'm standing up. A concrete piece of evidence that things have gone too far. When I normally take photos, I am sucking in and in a very strict pose that is never achieved in real life. This is how I look in my head (a picture I took last month on my own terms):



Pudgy? Yes. Perfect? No. Rolls and rolls of fat? NO. I don't recognize this body I see on the webcam..

It is with this newfound realization that took far too long to come, I will change my life to embrace healthy eating as a lifestyle, not just a fast way to feel better. I used to diet when at a lowpoint, to make my clothes loose fast for that ego boost. I've never stuck to anything, obviously. I also subscribed to the 'less food the better' philosophy and didn't push myself when it came to exercise. I am ready to change this, and I really need support, so if anyone has a similar struggle with accepting where you are and making the decision to finally change it, I'd love to talk to you. I'm making a decision to make this the last first day of my weight loss journey, ever.

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