jsfantome- Журнал, 11 окт 11

Don't be too hard on yourself. I think you could not have done any different. It was not the time and place to open up any discussion. There will be other occasions where you will be able to speak, occasions that happen at the right moment and at the right place. 

Well, Paula, I think with age we all change. Maybe I wouldn't have said good to see you, but I really don't know I tend to try and not say things I don't mean anymore, but that sometimes is harder said than done. I also think if people can't apologize at the time they are hardly worth the time and effort. You were upset and really probably wasted more time than they were worth at the time in being upset. These people I don't think were ever your friend, that is sad for them, they have lost out on an incredible woman, who is an incredible and loyal friend. We can't be friends with everyone, you don't want to be either, I really believe friends are for a reason, a season and a lifetime is so incredibly true. Just move on forget these sad awful people who couldn't get their own way so are mean and unforgiving, hardly godly.......So you did forgive and now just forget......you go girl you are so incredibly strong. Just put your head up and know that you are better than them, just put it down to experience. I don't think you were a hypocrite they are so not worth it.......... 

I could have written your journal! Went through a similar thing a few years back - sort of a 'church divorce' and it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. My heart has changed since then, however. I have learned how to forgive with the pattern that Christ outlined; it really is very freeing. Not every one has been open to it, but it has really changed how I view forgiveness, apologies, etc. Anyway.....so sad to see these things happening between believers. It seems to be an epic problem.  

As I read your entry, Paula, I thought of the addage that Yvonne referred to...some people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I know that it is hard when perhaps you put more into the relationship that someone else did...but Jesus taught us to love everyone unconditionally. In my opinion it is certainly their loss and yet, maybe they did get all they were supposed to get from your friendship and just moved on. When my husbands died, I was amazed how many of my good, close friends seemed to disappear...as if I had been the one to die....I had to remember that their friendships were there for a special time in my life and just let go. Forgiving and letting go are life lessons. Now, as a second comment in reference to Yvonne...they are the ones who lost out on a wonderful, rich friendship...you are an incredible lady and obviously know how to be a good friend. I wouldn't put too much time into thinking about them...obviously, they have moved on...and perhaps someone special is waiting in the curtains to fill their void. Hugs.... 

I relate to how you feel. My mum looked after my dad (he had a severe stroke when he was 64) for nearly 15 years - on her own, with very little support (no ... I'm changing that) NO support from his brothers and sisters. They did, however, come to his funeral and to the wake. I can remember my mum, being so angry at the hypocrisy of their attendance. When she eventually passed away, those same people attended her funeral and the wake - despite the fact they hardly picked up the phone to her since my dad had died 15 years earlier. I was very resentful, that they were using her funeral, almost like a social gathering and in the process making themselves feel "good" about "doing their duty". At the funeral, I said a few words in praise of my mum's life and how she had looked after my dad, with love and support at all times, the fact that her life had not been easy, but she was always supportive and was a "true lady". I hoped that some of the words I chose, made those "people", who are my relatives, think about their neglect. I don't suppose it did - but it made me feel better. So.... I do understand how you feel... I have moved on and now accept that is how things are.  

Hey skinny - well that will one day open ANOTHER can of worms! As I have some issues like that going on in my own Dad's family. (my dad is gone now, but my Mom lives w/ me.) One day when she is gone, I guess I will see if they actually 'show up' at her funeral. I would tend to doubt it. But it for sure is about 'making themselves' feel better. That is the thing... these people were the same way w/ the friend that died. Very close for lots of years, then left the church, and basically let us all drop from their lives. I almost felt like they were upset w/ themselves that they never re-connected w/ this woman, and now w/ this shocking loss... they decided to 'make amends' at the funeral. But that's not how you tell someone, or show someone, you are really sorry for hurting them. Of course I forgive them. But I would be a total fool to just pretend it never happened. Acceptance, and forward motion... I need to keep that in mind today! Much Love. 

I hope this does not offend anyone but .... This is a perfect example of the things that make me not go to church and not have a religion. I am a christian and I am working hard on my spirituality. I pray and am trying to live a good life and walk in the light of the lord. But it is religion and the very religious that have soured me on church. I need a church i think but just don't trust them. I live in the South. My town is literally full of churches. There are 6 within a mile of my house (maybe more than 6) and I live in the country. In town, there is one on almost every corner. Off the top of my head I can count 11 Baptist churches. We have only about 50K people in the entire county.... What happens is - they get mad at each other and split off and start a new church. For some reason, to me Jesus talked about his church.... as a singular thing. I know there are many wonderful and well meaning people who are church members. I just have had experience with the hyppocrites. I like what Yvonne said about there being a season for things and including friends in that.... That is a wonderful way to look at these things. Maybe these people were truely your friends and the feelings were not false at the time. Maybe the disagreement was simply a change in season. Maybe it was Gods way of getting the bad and false out of your life. Mabe he was helping you surround yourself with the right people. As for your friend and her family, it hurts nobody for these people to show up. For them, it may be a sincere act or it may be a hypocritical one. Who can know their heart? Regardless, it is on their head that the acts fall. This is easy to say and not easy to feel. I have only 1 first cousin and I hate him. Well it comes as close to true hate as anything ever has. I love my grandmother and in my eyes he has not treated her right..... I would not tell him if she passed away but i know my Mother will... She made a promise to his dying mother to try to keep in touch with him. I know my Aunt would likely feel the same as I do if she had lived to see what he turned out to be... I say that because i know that when my Grandmother passes, iwill have to deal with the feelings seeing him will evoke. I had to at an Uncles funeral and have not gotten past it. Anyway, what i am trying to say is that the fact that you have forgiveness in your heart for them makes you the much better person. Keep it and just forget about them. it is the right path to take although much the tougher... I mean really, who lost by them not re-connecting with your friend or with you??? I know it was not you.... I feel sad for them. Again I hope what i said was not offensive. I don't mean anything bad toward anyone.  

I'd like to add a small perspective to this conversation here. In my childhood for a good 6-7 years I was very close to my best friend and her sister. Then at age 12 the family moved, and I occassionaly stayed in touch, but as we became teenagers our lives grew apart. We had different friends, different religions, different paths. I lost touch with my best friend after she got pregnant at 16. Fast forward to last year and I reconnected with her and her sister thru facebook. We spend a couple weeks playing the "remember this" game with photos and stories. Then my besties sister was murdered. Not really having been a part of their lives for almost 24 years I felt I had no right to be so devistated at hearing of her murder. But I was. It took me several weeks to stop greiving and I hadn't seen this person in 25 years nor been a part of her life expect when we were children. I was mourning the loss of not the person she was, but the person I remember her as. It's very easy to be sidetracked by lives daily demands and before you know it weeks/months/years go by. Sometimes it takes a horrible tragedy to pull us out of our self absorbed lives and to really really focus on what should be important instead of what we have no choice to focus on in order to live each day. We certainly can't spend every day with friends and family , as we would neglect work, chores, bills ect. I wouldn't read more into the situation except the fact that they were there to pay respects to a person from their past and felt guilty about neglecting other friendships (as life has a way of intruding on maintaining friendships) once they saw you.  

Nice post, icy maiden. Paula, my thoughts are with you 

Its hard when your feelings have been hurt soooo deeply to forget what has gone on over the years...you forgave them...thats more than some of them deserved maybe..but it was your choice and you are human in the way you feel...Life is full of things like this...and we must move on.. Take care girl...Sending {{{HUGS}}}} 

Feelings just are. Not "wrong" not "right" simply are. Your feelings are completely understandable. Intimacy, true friendship is in my opinion very rare. Character is measured in adversity, and "love" is really an action word ... not a feeling. I hope today is a better day.