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These are some further reflections from the last several months of training. It feels important for me to hold a space for these reflections. Something tells me there worth keeping around :-) I hope everyone is have a blessed day!
A snippet from this mornings journal:
There is a kind of clarity that has stuck around since completing the 70.3. It’s not that this mind is not full of its typical thoughts and machinations, but they seem to run more in the background than in the foreground. It feels less challenging to “be” in the present moment. And, I note when I shut my eyes in a meditation the darkness within feels spacious and I’m not so immediately catapulted into surreal and scattered thinking. It feels free and easy. Moments are less dense.
To the mind’s eye, training for the 70.3 was hands down the hardest challenge I’ve ever taken on. And, I can say with total honesty, once the training volume increased there wasn’t a moment where this mind wasn’t doubting the whole endeavor. “Why am I doing this?” came up frequently. Only to be coupled with, “Can I do this?”. And, after completing weekly blocks of swim/bike/run - I found myself often stating
“HOW AM I DOING THIS???”
I don’t think there was a week that went by where I did not blow this mind's assessment of what it could or could not do out of the water.
But, of course I write this smiling from cheek to cheek. Blowing this mind away was the whole purpose. It’s been the purpose of these challenges from the beginning. Because, the narratives, stories, ideas about this beings potential had obviously been very wrong from the get-go. And, whether belief in those stories came from past experiences, society, or some innate insecurities built into how this mind thinks; unhinging this mind from its limiting beliefs must continue to happen if I want to continue to transcend and manifest this hearts potential to its greatest measure.
I can still recall with clarity a 2 hour cycle session during training. My legs were so weak and heavy from the previous days block and strength training session. In the second session, I literally shut my eyes and felt like a 2 year old child about to break down in sobs from the exhaustion. I silently screamed, “I CAN’T DO THIS!!” And, out of nowhere came a voice in my head just as loud, full of fire and fury screaming,
“OH, YES! OH, YES YOU CAN!
YOU CAN, YOU WILL, AND YOU ARE!”
It was so startling to me, the 2 year old in my head shut up and finished the session focused and determined to follow the order.
And, this mind can thoroughly attest to the fact that every PR, every increase in volume, every training session left me in utter awe and speechless that I was still standing on two feet. It’s safe to state this mind was often left rocking in a corner muttering, “Oh my God! I was wrong about everything! The only thing I know is that there’s a whole lot about life, this body, and everything else I DON’T KNOW!” And, in the same moment I often felt this other part of myself smile warmly inside with love and compassion, laughter and joy responding with a simple “you are correct, my dear.”
But, I’m beginning to understand it’s okay for this mind not to know everything about its own potential. The most important thing is not to allow it to thwart this heart’s potential. There is a wise being within all of us that does know. And, it’s been piloting the plane the whole time. How does that old saying go,
“The mind makes a lovely servant, but a horrible master.”
And, I also realize what it means to truly follow one’s heart. It’s not the emotional heart that’s being referred to. It’s what Buddhist’s call the wise heart. The calm, voice that surfaces when we have learned to quiet the mind that expands the lens through which we view a situation and guides us to the next step. It is the safe haven in our mind’s storm that knows we are not as fragile or vulnerable as we believe. The non-judgmental zen part of us all that helps us to accept where we’re at with equanimity and further lays the ground work for what we want to open up too.
If there were any greater reward to name in this last fitness challenge outside of completing it, it is that I sense there is a much more direct and intense connection between this mind and its own wise heart. And, given what this wise heart has provided me so far, I can genuinely say there is no greater gift :-)
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