Sensational Saturday!! How's that for the power of positive thinking? Actually it's just the first word that started with "S" that came to my mind as I started to write this journal.
We received a little dusting of snow overnight ... just enough to barely frost the trees. We have had the strangest winter ever so far. While the East Coast is getting pummelled with storms our poor ski hill is struggling and the roads to my home are pot-holed and muddy instead of the smooth snow-pack we should have this time of year!! The county has even put up weight limits on some of the roads. A friend told me February is supposed to be a heavier snow month according to Farmer's Almanac. We shall see.
I slept well last night which is odd because I had a coffee craving and made myself a pot of coffee, drinking 2 big mugfulls. Of course I stayed up later than usual and I was REALLY tired when I did turn in. Woke up this morning no headache ... feeling okay. Except for a pain in the arch of my right foot ... and actually the whole foot kind of hurts. I have no clue what that is. I have not stepped on something wrong that I recall. I have not fallen. I was driving home on Tuesday or Wednesday I think, talking to my mom on the phone, and my arch started to hurt. Almost like a cramp. Now here it is several days later and it still hurts ... maybe more. I'm keeping an eye on it and if it doesn't start to back off by Monday I will have to bite the bullet and take myself to the doctor I suppose. Some number of years back I had something similar in my left leg which turned out to be a blood clot. I'm not on thinners and haven't been for years. Ever since that scare I've been a little paranoid about unexplained aches like that. Seems like an odd place to get a clot though and I'm not a high risk clot person but still ... something to pay attention to. I know when I tell my husband exactly what he will say. MAKE AN APPOINTMENT!!!
I've continued with my newly re-adopted WOE and while the losses certainly aren't dramatic it seems to be agreeing with my body. My digestive system is working marvelously. I'm eating tasty food. I'm working diligently to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full (which is still a bit of a challenge when food is so tasty for me). Some of my friends and family think I've gone off the deep end ... why are you eating low-fat vegan???? They tell me "I love meat too much." Well I like beef, chicken, fish, eggs, and dairy too!!! And I've not made a pact to NEVER EVER eat them I've just relegated them to "special feast foods" much like indulging in fudge only at Christmas. I'm really hoping this becomes my new "normal" so that I never go "on and off a diet" again in my life. I'm nearing 57 years of life on this earth and I've been on and off, gained and lost so many damn times I can't probably even count them at this point. It is difficult for me to accept that it may take me a year or two to lose down to where I'd like to be but if it means I am NOT dieting it will be worth it. I know if I upped my veggies to about half my plate I'd lose faster but right now I think I just need to wrap my head around this, develop some new habits, and breathe. Accept the slow changes. Embrace them. When I get back to exercise that too will help and I am already thinking about it ... almost wanting to exercise so we shall see.
This whole weight thing is such a mind twister. It is so much more than what I eat. It really is how I think. How I care for myself. What I deem as nurturing and calming and rewarding. When I was a young woman I believed that there would come a time in my life I'd have things pretty much "in control," figured out so to speak. So NOT true. I find it fascinating and somewhat troubling that nearing my 60's I STILL struggle with many of the same things I struggled with when I was 16!!! Feeling "less than," "not good enough," "unaccomplished." Really? What a life-waster that line of thinking is!!! I don't know if it is being this age or the unrelenting events that remind me life doesn't go on forever that has spurred me to rethink what is really precious. And, foolishly, even though I know that it is NOW that is more important than the past or the future I find myself riding those waves of thought more often than I would like.
Life truly is process NOT product. This "fact" I have known cognitively for decades ... and I continue to learn to put it into practice almost daily. I ran into a former client yesterday. I worked with her and her two children more than 12 years ago. She had her son with her who I last saw a very long time ago, he was younger than 3 if I remember correctly. He now towers over his mom at 15 and of course has no memory of me. We chatted for a few minutes and as we started to depart she said, "you know I loved working with you, you were my favorite person to work with over all the people who worked with me." Aw. She couldn't have known how much I needed to hear that. Sometimes I think what I do doesn't matter. I get distracted and feel like I haven't made an impact. Every once in a while someone tells me something that reminds me it isn't about me ... it IS about others and what I do is important and worthwhile.
Obviously it is Saturday and no one is up at my house except my beloved Dobie and me!!!! Unfortunately you get LONG journals once in a while instead of the daily check ins I used to do. But oh so helpful for me to write, reflect, and process.
So tomorrow we are joining a SuperBowl party that is supposed to be a taco bar feast. My plan? I am bringing vegan tacos to make sure I have something to eat that is good for me. DH is completely supportive. I'm sure he'll peruse the selections and taste a bunch of them. Me? I'm going to drink my seltzer water (forgo beer? really?) and eat my lentil/cauliflower rice tacos and people watch!! Oh I mean watch the game.
Thank you for making it to the end of this journal. On I go. Practicing kindness, mindfulness, breathing in and out and working on being in THIS moment rather than where I find myself oh too often (sometimes I think the "past" and the "future" are "four" letter words!!!!). I hope you are making your way with your own process ... thanks for your support and company!!!
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