WendyMaq- Журнал, 03 дек 20

I have been struggling. My regular doctor put me with his new intern for fresh eyes. First appointment she asked me to keep a food journal, but not so much to journal my intake. She wanted my emotions when I ate what I ate. FUUUDDGGE! (But I didn't say fudge.) Nailed it in one. Every time I put food in my mouth, I'm angry. Angry about having to eat (I don't have time for this). Angry because I'm not hungry, but I know I have to eat. Frustrated because I'm fat and berating myself for it. Realizing that the anorexia of my youth is still at play, but it probably has a different name now that I'm fat. During our 2nd visit, she confirmed I'm not eating enough and asked me to try to up my calories to 1500 a day. I tried, but I gained weight and freaked out. Despite understanding that I have lowered my metabolism by not nourishing my body, all the emotions and trauma I've stuffed down deep are threatening to explode out of me and it's all I can do to keep it together. My third visit was mostly spent apologizing for failing. I know I'm spiraling. I got past my own obstacles to reach out for help, and more obstacles are thrown in my path. I can't seem to get in with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I can't even get anyone to talk with me: all answering machines and website forms. Is it any wonder we have a mental health crisis in America?

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