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Hi Fat Secret Friends. I am ashamed to say that I gained back the wieght I lost and that I have been eating like a crazy person since the last time I was on here. My justifications for this careless behavior was that I was under alot of stress and pressure because I moved into a new home, then continued with oh its so much work to take care of a new house then finally oh its so hard to deal with all the change. Well the other night after eating like 4 100 calorie chocoloate bars, hot chocolate and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (all after eating crap all day just so you know) I was justifying my behavior by saying well at least I havent got to my max wieght which was about 218 pounds. So I was checking myself out and thinking about that and decided to wiegh myself and I was at 193. So I was like whew, at least its not 218 right, then I heard this real gentle yet firm voice in my head say but your only about 25 pounds away from that wieght. I continued to think about it and realized that in the last 6 months I gained about 30 pounds so if I keep going the way I am I will be at 218 in no time flat. But let me tell you this eating this is so difficult, I dont know how to control it anymore, I feel like a drug addict stuffing food in my mouth in a hurry to see how much I can get in my body before my brain starts to tell me how unhealthy it is. And it scares me cus even though I had that revelation which was on Saturday night, I ate like a pig again all day Sunday cus I swear tomorrow is the day, but is it? I swore when I lost wieght the first time (218-160) I would never ever get to 216 again, and look at me I am only 25 pounds away Im so scared of what I am doing to my body, I hate the way I feel, my hair looks ugly, my skin looks bad, I dont want to see anyone I havnt seen in a while because Im embarassed bout my wieght gain, Im not getting dressed up anymore cus nothing fits, its too much and what do I do keep eating, what the heck is wrong with me, I hate this part of myself, its out of control, I need help, GOD please help me I need YOU to replace my desire to eat with self control and the desire to be healthy. Sorry I went crazy fat secret but Im really afraid of the path Im on. I read in the bible the other day that for every temptation GOD provides and escape but I truly believe that in order for me to find the escape I have to want it bad and sometimes I feel like I do and sometimes I feel like Im very far from that. And, my biggest fear is what am I going to do to my body, my self-esteem and my health before I decide to want it that bad, before I decide to seek the escape that MY GOD is just waiting to give me??
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