EmTheQueen- Журнал, 21 май 16

Damn you anxiety.
I had a total melt down this morning, probably the worst I've had in a couple months, except this one wasn't provoked by someone else
Despite my generally positive attitude I have been freaking out a bit. I'm glad people are impressed by my weight loss but my mom and nana make a huge deal about how well I have done. I know they mean well, but it just puts a lot of pressure on me. Mom worries on days that I'm not hungry so I have very few calories and worries that if I go over by fifty calories because my chicken was a little bigger than we though that it could mess up my diet. On days I'm not hungry I sometimes force food in until I'm sick just to meet calories, which isn't healthy either.
My stepdad is coming into town for my youngest sister's birthday which means a lot of carby, greasy Mexican food and eating out
So since I was stressing so badly about this that it triggered a melt down, I decided screw it. He comes out twice a year. He'll be here for a week. The five days between picking him up and taking him to the airport I'm going to record my food to keep my sugars low but I'm not going to worry about going over my calories. Obviously I won't be eating every high calorie thing I can get my hands on, I'll try to stick within 1400 but if I go over, who cares?
I have lost sixty one lbs in less than five months. There. It will be a short deviation but one well needed.

In middle school I was very seriously bordering anorexic habits and in high school I was bulemic. I would eat a huge amount of food and because I can throw up on command after eating, I would, yet I still gained weight. These are habits I really don't want to get back into and I worry that if I am always this strict on myself until I have reached my goal weight that I may end up there again.
I suppose my point is that even those of us, like me, who are making big strides and always try to spread the positivity have down days and struggles. So if you go off the bandwagon for a few days, or have a breakdown or get made at yourself and your diet you're not failing. You're not being a Debbie Downer. You are experiencing a side effect of the long, hard journey of losing weight and getting healthy. I'm proud of you all.

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