|
I haven't been able to check my weight in about a month. I am far too scared of what that will do to me. I know I've gained some weight, I'm deffinitely no longer underweight, although realistically, I'm probably still on the lower end for my height. Regardless, exams are coming up in a couple weeks, and if i check, there's no way that that will be my main focus. So I'm resisting checking.
I have size 3 jeans, and I also have 25 (which i believe is a 0-2, depending on the brand), and i borrowed a pair of shorts from my roommate and they were a 00. So I'm trying to think in terms of clothing size instead of weight. How much smaller can you get from where I am?
... a whole lot smaller, that's how much. :/
I mentioned that I had an appointment coming up, last time I wrote an entry... I went to it, and it was motivational and whatever, and this boy that I'm seeing has been very supportive, as have my friends... but lets be honest here, I'm never going to feel good enough for myself, let alone other people. It doesn't matter how much people tell me I'm perfect how I am, as long as I don't FEEL perfect, I will not believe it.
Anyway, I've gone from about 5-7 binges/purges a day, to about 2 or so. I've been eating less, but I've been keeping more down. So that's some progress, right?
I'm determined to get better, but I'm also determined to be thin.
It's all incredibly conflicting. I'm trying to get used to feeling alive again, but before feeling alive... my body's not used to it, so it's dying of pain first. Which sucks.
I've had my period for over 2 weeks straight, WHILE on birth control. That can't be normal... anyone have any idea what's up with my body? Like I don't even understand. I figure I should probably go get it checked out. But it's incredibly painful :/
Anyway, those are my updates.
I have another counselling appointment on Monday. Let's see how that goes. Tbh, I feel another relapse coming on.
|
