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Please just skip this, I just need to post this mini rant somewhere lmao. If you do read it though (I warn you, it might be a little negative in some parts), please don't comment on it. I just needed to motivate myself, and have something to come back to when I'm feeling discouraged or upset at my progress. It's never linear, and never easy. But it can be done.
I'm so scared, and stressed and tired. It's so hard to try and think positive all of the time when the pressure of not succeeding is constantly weighing on my shoulders. My life will completely change if I can manage to lose enough weight in time, I have to go from about 230 to 160 tops in two years in order to join the military when I finish high school. If I can manage to do that, then I will join the army and aim to be a translator/interpreter or rather 09L, and from there, once I get out of the military, I will go to college and aim to be an interpreter (or a police officer or stay in the army, I'm not sure yet). If I don't lose the weight in time, then I will miss out on 1 an experience I really want of being in the military, 2 proving people in my family wrong that a girl can a be strong and in the military, 3 getting taught another language to some form of fluency, 4 having more time to mature before college so I can do better in classes, and 5 saving money that I don't have for going to college via the army.
It's so much riding on this one small thing, this one thing that's haunted me my whole life. It's controlled who I am, I am a shy, under-confident 16 year old girl who tries to stop herself from crying when she's upset because she did this to herself. No one else fed her all the weight that's on her. No one but herself. So this is her punishment for gluttony, she has to carry her ball and chain with her where she goes as a reminder that she doesn't fit in. That she is different, weird, a fat slob that can't control the amount of sugar or fat or calories or whatever is making her this way she takes in. I look around at my peers in envy, not knowing if I will ever be like them, a healthy weight and such.
I've tried actually starving myself, and I'm able to hold it out. I've been able to do it before, I didn't really eat anything for three days and I lost about 10-15 pounds (ik it sounds like a lie, but I swear it's true), but I stopped losing weight after about two days in and was held at a standstill. Not only that, but I gained it back (like I was kinda expecting to). I've tried exercising more, but no matter how much I jog or I walk or I exercise, I don't seem to make any progress.
So here I am, at 3:24 am on a Friday morning feeling like trash. I look at myself in disgust. Everything about me screams lazy, whether it's the bags under my eyes, my messy hair that I haven't bothered to brush (because whats the point in that?), and the fat that hangs off of me. The sad part is, I realize that a soldier is strong. They may think negative thoughts, but they push through it and keep level headed. They fight, and they don't give up. I can feel it coming on, another desperate surge of determination, setting myself up for another attempt at losing weight that is inevitably going to fail, yet I keep pushing. I vehemently wish to give up, to make things that much easier on me and just accept these terms. But my stomach twists that the thought, my heart clenches and I can't bring myself to do it. A soldier doesn't give up on much harder things, so why should I on something easier? Who gave me the right to the easy route? No one did. No one ever really gets the easy route, life is that way and if I want to be happy in life I better step the fuck up, because it's only going to get harder from here.
I just have to eat healthy, eat better while moving around more. I'm at 230, and I need to get to (ideally) 140. Look on the bright side, that's not even 100 pounds. Only 90. Each year from now on I have to lose 45 pounds, every month I have to lose 3.75 pounds a month, or about 1 pound every 8 days. It's manageable. I can fucking do it, so why aren't I?
From now on, no more sweets until I reach my goal. No more processed foods, only natural things like meat, vegetables, fruits, yogurts. Nothing that is processed or extremely caloric or sugary. No pasta, no cookies, ice cream, cereal, milk (too much sugar for me), cake. Nothing like that. I don't care if I have to go through being hungry, a soldier doesn't get to eat all the time when they want to anyways, let alone unhealthy things like ice cream. They have to be disciplined and able to control themselves. When I'm hungry I'll chew gum or drink water or distract myself. I'll keep myself eating below 1500 calories so I should be losing a pound a week. I'll hold myself accountable for once in my life and actually stick something through.
My goal is attainable. You got yourself into this mess, and now you have to get yourself out of it. You are culpable. C'mon, just think about how much happier you'll be if you stick this through, do what you think you can't and prove yourself wrong. Stop doing nothing and do it, c'mon, just start! You've got this, just focus yourself and think that the struggle you're going to put yourself through now is nothing compared to the happiness you'll feel later on once you've finished. Serve your country and protect your family and friends. Do what others have tried, and others have done. Prove your worth. Prove your will. Prove to yourself that you DO want this. That you DO want to join the army, and that you DO want to see a change.
If you do this now, everything will fall into place. Everything will get much better. It's like there's this perfect blueprint, and you're the last piece to the puzzle. But you're out of shape. You have to bend until you break to ensure that you fit into the system properly, and if you do that, that system will grant you happiness and satisfaction in return. You'll become more confident, more social, just better in general. You will be the real, true you. You will become a good role model to your younger brothers, you will be a great daughter to a mother that deserves more. So work, please. You have to. You don't have another choice, because failure is not what you're about to do.
C'mon, you told yourself you wouldn't allow yourself to have kids in the future if you don't do this, so c'mon! Unless if you're so selfish that you'd want to pass this curse onto them, huh? You wouldn't want to do that, right? Unless if you can set a good example to them, then you can't trust yourself to monitor a kid's eating habits. You just can't. So do it. For your entire future. Just think, if you fail here, and entire bloodline was lost. Granted, you have siblings, but it's not the same. There is no YOU that will exist anymore. Give it 100 years at lost and you'll be nothing more than a couple of pictures and a tombstone.
So look, you have the perfect motivation. You want to have kids one day, and you want to join the military. In order to do both, you have to lose weight, so just buckle down, and do it. You don't have to exercise everyday, but don't go over your calorie limit, and make sure that you do at least walk a little. It's easy. Now do it.
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